I like the rollercoaster

LaJoy Dove Simmons

2008-09-09T17:38:00.001-07:00

December 26, 1934-September 8, 2008

This was the matriarch of our family and we will miss her!

We love you grandma Joy!

How many have my name?

2008-07-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

This number represents my name, Leah Simmons

HowManyOfMe.com

There are
100
people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

I also did it with my maiden name and the results were very different.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are
3
people with my name in the U.S.A.

http://howmanyofme.com">How many have your name?

Sunday's Food for Thought

2008-07-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

"When Jesus gave His disciples a new commandment to 'love one another; as I have loved you,' (John 13:34), He gave to them the grand key to happiness in this life and glory in the next. "Love is the greatest of all the commandments--all others hang upon it. It is our focus as followers of the living Christ. It is the one trait that, if developed, will most improve our lives."

Joseph B. Wirthlin

I can't believe....

2008-07-02T19:39:00.001-07:00

I let the whole month of June go by and not a post. It has been a busy summer so far. We have been doing summer movies and swimming. That is usually the gist of our summer fun because I always use up my dh's vacation time with my calling in young women's. I've already been to youth conference and will be going to girls camp in 2 weeks. But times are a changin'! This will be my last year going to girls camp. I have a new calling.........RS 2nd counselor/enrichment counselor. Tonight was YW's and I really missed being there. I have been in for 8 yrs. That's 8 yrs. of going to weekly activities. 8 yrs. of youth conferences and girl's camps. This has been a hard transition, but I know Heavenly Father will help me adjust. I am definitely in new territory!!!

We are going to lagoon as a family through my dh's work and that will probably be the last big thing we do for awhile. I will try to get pictures and post them on my family blog. We had a blast last year so I am hoping for some fun.

Also, last week my dh and I were able to go on a 2 day retreat for our 22nd anniversary. It was wonderful! We went to a little, very charming bed and breakfast in the middle of SLC. We were the only ones there so it was a nice and quiet time. Amid a house full of kids, 4 of them grown ups, it's nice to have some quiet, peaceful moments.

Book shout out

2008-05-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

This is book 5 in the "Great and Terrible" series by Chris Stewart. I've been waiting and it's finally here and I read it in 2 days.

Loved it, Loved it, Loved it! I haven't found a bad book in the bunch yet. Now all I have to do is wait for number 6. When it comes to this series I'm not a patient person. LOL!

Update on Me

2008-05-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

The last little while has been filled with lots and lots to say. First, I finished school and pulled 3 A's and a B+ in Advanced Theory. I was pretty proud of myself. My dd Ashleigh finished her first year of college with pretty good grades herself. We are both taking breaks for the summer. Ashleigh wants to work full time and save money to move out. She is definitely itching to do so as soon as possible.

During finals week I got Bronchitis again. Worse this time. I thought I had pneumonia, but the x-rays showed otherwise. It took me a month to get over the cough again. I was so greatful because all my teachers had given our finals the week earlier so we wouldn't have to worry about it during finals week. Wow! What a blessing. Heavenly Father is really watching out for me.

All this stress and self neglect has caused me to gain weight and struggle with my energy level. And lets not forget self confidence in all this. The PMDD challenges me enough and now to add this. I have started walking again and hope to get in better shape over time. I have to say though that I have been managing my PMDD quite well. Lots to work on. At least my desire is strengthening and I can function pretty good now. I'm a bit nervous with summer coming and having the kids home, but I have a plan and hope that I can continue to function in such a positive way.

Not much more than that.

Short update

2008-04-07T20:06:00.001-07:00

I am in the midst of studying for finals and doing final projects, so my time on the computer has been real limited. I haven't even had any time to post anything with pictures for Easter. I'm just real stretched for time right now, so forgive me if you never see Easter pics until next Easter. My choir tour wasn't interesting enough for pictures, so I didn't take any. (for shame!)

So, in a nutshell....I'm too busy to blog right now. I will catch up later.

I'm off for Choir tour

2008-03-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

We will be hitting Price, Moab, and Green River. I will return on Wednesday evening and I will be sure to update on Easter and my tour, maybe even with pics, when I return.

I have to say, this is weird, I'm going to go on a trip with a bunch of people half my age.

I do get to room with a friend that's around my age though, and a pregnant lady, so the party begins! Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Easter Sunday's food for thought

2008-03-23T20:36:00.001-07:00

We may not know what lies ahead of us.
We know not what the coming days will bring.
We live in a world of uncertainty.
But one thing we do know.
Like the polar star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives.
He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the
very focus of our faith."

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Happy Easter everyone!

School starts tomorrow

2008-03-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

I've had a nice spring break since Wednesday. Now, it's time to get back to work. It's gonna be crunch time from here on out. I have 3 big projects in Music theory that I am quite nervous about. Then I have one big paper in my Social Work class. Choir tour comes on March 24th-26th, and I have to add all this to my kids school stuff. I just don't feel on top of things like I want to, but I do know that I can do this. I have to. Music theory has been more difficult than ever and I feel so inadequate to the task. I've got to rid myself of this perfectionistic attitude and know that I can do my best and pass the class. I will pass it. Once I'm done with this I will be done with theory all together. Yay!

I played the Raindrop Prelude by Chopin in a group performance class week before last and had a major anxiety attack. Now I get to go out and play in at least 10 different settings to get some exposure (as my teacher would say). That's the best thing for performance anxiety. I know that. But, it's getting past the anxiety to perform that gets in the way. My teacher said she'll give me an "A" if I do this and also perform in the next performance class. I need this A to offset the grade I'll probably get in theory. I want to keep my GPA up for future scholarships.

Choir has been a blast and we're going to go down to Moab, Green River, and Price for a 3 day tour. I'm not excited about the places we're going, but the fact that we're going sounds like so much fun.

My Social work class has also been really good for me. We are doing 15 hrs. of volunteer work in a government agency and then doing a big paper on it. That has been fun too.

Concerning my PMDD, my dr. decided to change my BC pills because they found problems with the Yaz. It is supposedly affecting potassium levels, cholesterol levels, and some blood pressure. So, they are trying me on Loestrin 24 fe. I've only been on it for 5 days now and I am not feeling so well. More cranky than usual at this part of my cycle, plus more depressed. I don't know if it's the meds or life, or stress. I constantly go through all the possibilities and struggle to figure it out. I'm giving this new med a good try and then when I go in for my physical in May, I will see if I level out again. Man this is frustrating. I hate feeling hopeless and not knowing why.

Sunday's Food for Thought

2008-03-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for the devil to enter a door that is closed. He seems to have no keys for locked doors. But if a door is slightly ajar, he gets his toe in, and soon this is followed by his foot, then by his leg, and his body and his head, and finally he is in all the way.

President Spencer W. Kimball

123 book meme

2008-03-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

Meme Rules:

1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the text of the next three sentences on your blog.
4. Name of the book and the author.
5. Tag three people.

Tally collapsed onto the bed, covering her face with her hands and sobbing.

Peris sat next to her and held her for a while as she cried, then wiped her nose and sat her up.

"Look at you, Tally Youngblood."

"Uglies" by Scott Westerfeld

This is a book my daughter is reading and loves

Here's the synopsis:
Tally was tired of being separated from her best friend, Peris. The last few months, trapped in Uglyville while Peris was in New Pretty Town, had been torture. Tally decided she had to see him, even if for only a few minutes, and escaped into New Pretty Town. She did manage to see Peris very briefly and he had changed inside and out. He was mildly pleased to see Tally and promised they would be best friends again when Tally became "pretty" in a few months. He helped her escape safely and, on her way back to Uglyville, she met Shay. Shay is another "ugly" who was also meeting a friend in New Pretty Town. She and Tally shared stories of their adventures. They became the best of friends, and Shay took Tally to the Rusty Ruins. She shared with her about a group of people who had run away to live in the forest by the ruin. Those people had decided not to become "pretty" and Shay was considering it too. She wanted Tally to run away with her and not become "pretty", but Tally wouldn't. Shay left without her. So, Tally became sixteen, and was on her way to the hospital for the "pretty" operation, when she found herself at Special Circumstances instead. A "cruel pretty" named Dr. Cable met with Tally and told her that either she could become a spy and go to the forest and activate a tracker (disguised as a pendant) so that the people living there could be arrested or she could stay "ugly" forever. Tally, thinking she really didn't have a choice, decided to become a spy and found the people who lived in the forest, called the Smoke. The Smokies, as they are called, don't trust her at first, but in time, she convinced them that she wanted to be there. Tally had to tell numerous lies to cover the truth and the lies get more and more complicated. In time, she decided that she really liked living there, developed a relationship with David, and wanted to become a Smokie. To show her commitment to the Smokies, and to David specifically, Tally threw her pendant into the fire. Unbeknownst to Tally, the pendant was programmed to go off even if it was damaged. The tracking signal was sent, and when Tally awoke, Special Circumstances had surrounded the Smoke. Will Tally, David, and the other Smokies escape or will they be captured and forced to become "pretty"?

I tag the Denise, Kris, and Donna

Sunday's Food for Thought (on Monday)

2008-03-10T12:27:00.001-07:00

Since I was so busy yesterday, I didn't have an opportunity to get on the computer, so here is a thought for today:

Happiness keeps you sweet,
Trials keep you strong,
Sorrows keep you human,
Failures keep you humble,
Success keeps you glowing,
But only God keeps you going.

New photo of the first presidency of the church

2008-03-05T16:16:00.000-08:00

All I can say is, inspiring and wonderful!

One of my favorite voices

2008-03-04T07:33:00.000-08:00

This is Ruthie Henshall from my favorite play of all...so far....Les Miserables
"I Dreamed a Dream"

I love plays.....

2008-03-04T07:02:00.001-08:00

I have seen: Me and My Girl, Annie, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Crazy for you, The Secret Garden, A Christmas Carol, Jane Eyre, Beauty and the Beast, Pirates of Penzance, Pride and Prejudice, Hello Dolly, Once on this Island, Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables, Music Man, The Scarlet Pimpernel, and more that I can't remember right now.
This is my most recent favorite

My daughter got me hooked on the music and it made me really want to see the play. Well, guess what, it's on you tube. With none other than David Hasselhoff in the lead. You know, if you're old enough that is...Knight Rider. I loved Knight Rider!!

He did an okay job on the music, but I do like the soundtrack from the original show the best. If you want to see it on you tube here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1MPNT9Ag1s

It has 16 parts, but it's worth the watch.

I've been tagged by my niece Natalie

2008-03-03T19:59:00.000-08:00

TEN YEARS AGO...I was 33 yrs. old. I had Kiri (10), Ashleigh (18), Shelby (7), Andrew (5), and Gracie(1). Not much going on besides being a mom at this point. I was wrapped in school, diapers, carseats, bottles, toys, and more toys. Emma wasn't even a twinkle in my eyes yet.

FIVE PLACES I HAVE LIVED...

1. Racine, Wisconsin

2. Orem, Utah

3. New Rochelle, New York

4. Orem, Utah

5. Orem, Utah

Wow! I really know how to get around! heehee!

I ENJOY...Music, especially piano and voice, cooking, baking being my favorite, Journaling, going to school, being a mom, and date nights with my honey.

THREE BAD HABITS...

1. I'm a fatalist, but I'm improving on changing this habit

2. Okay, I'm being honest here...Yelling, with an occasional swear word.

3. Eating too much.

FIVE THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT ME...

1. I love to sleep in.

2. I don't color my hair...Ever! Someday let me tell you that story.

3. I hate beans...Any kind and I won't Ever eat them again!! K, another story here.

4. I love, love, love movies.

5. Eddie and I will be married for 22 yrs. this June. BIG story here!

FIVE JOBS THAT I HAVE HAD...

1. Burger King through High School

2. Major Babysitting ages 8 through 21

3. Nanny in New York for 1 yr.

4. Arby's in College

5. Macey's service desk

And, I have to add one more, the most important of course...Mother extraordinaire.

I now tag whoever reads this.

Sunday's Food for Thought

2008-03-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

While our individual salvation is based on our individual obedience, it is equally important that we understand that we are each an important and integral part of a family and the highest blessings can be received only within an eternal family. When families are functioning as designed by God, the relationships found therein are the most valued of mortality. The plan of the Father is that family love and companionship will continue into the eternities. Being one in a family carries a great responsibility of caring, loving, lifting, and strengthening each member of the family so that all can righteously endure to the end in mortality and dwell together throughout eternity. It is not enough just to save ourselves. It is equally important that parents, brothers, and sisters are saved in our families. If we return home alone to our Heavenly Father, we will be asked, “Where is the rest of the family?” This is why we teach that families are forever. The eternal nature of an individual becomes the eternal nature of the family.

Elder Robert D. Hales

I'm on the mend...

2008-02-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

If only this nasty cough would go away!!!! My poor son and dd have had the same thing but not as bad as me. Thank goodness!

School is going really well this semester. I have even kept up with being sick. I had to miss a couple of days and I was worried about getting behind, but things have worked out. I feel so blessed by a good dh taking such good care of me and also our family while I have been down and out. I am also grateful for nice professors with a lot of patience. There has been plenty of sickness going around and a lot of missing students.

One of the good things coming out of this is my children are certainly more grateful of their mothers' cooking abilities. They've had way more FFY's (fend for yourself) and pre-prepared foods than they would like. I'm glad to be back in the cooking mode.

My pmdd has been better the last little while. Mostly because I'm accepting my limitations graciously and more patiently. But, every now and then, my frustration takes over and I just wish things were easier. I took so much for granted where my health was concerned for so many years and now that I don't have it the same way, or the way I want it, it's simply hard to accept some days. And the ever present "why me" still creeps out sometimes and takes over the positive. But, I'm definitely feeling more positive these days and that has helped my depression and anxiety. I am working on looking at life with a new perspective. One of gratitude, and submitting my will to the will of my Heavenly Father. As I like to say, "there is a lesson to be learned from this" and if I fight it, it will only make it that much harder.

Update

2008-02-05T18:08:00.001-08:00

My new best friends:

I went to the dr. this morning and I have Bronchitis. Pretty nasty. He gave me a script for cough medicine, so I can get some rest, and then he gave me some antibiotics. Dr. said I should be feeling better within a couple of days. Yahoo!

Sick as a dog

2008-02-05T08:31:00.001-08:00

Yep, that's me! I'm finally giving in and heading to the doctor. I only got a couple hours of sleep last night because of my cough. Luckily Eddie got it more mild and the kids have been well so far. What's wrong with this picture? The mom can't get sick! Oh well, they're, I mean my family, is taking good care of me. What can I say, they're wonderful!

BTW, here's a link to find out about the cliche "Sick as a dog". I found it fascinating: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-sic1.htm

Happy birthday to me!

2008-01-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a nice day. The kids decorated my car, and Ashleigh had all of her friends text me "Happy Birthday" as many times as they wanted to. I got 71 all together. It was really fun.

Then, when I got home the kids all had a surprise party for me. They even bought me a pinata and decorated the living room. We also played a game. Then we went to a nice dinner this evening.

I also got calls from LaJoy, my sis Kim, my friend Maxine and Claudia. I got some flowers from my friend Vicki, and some balloons from the Young Women's presidency in my ward. And I can't forget all the birthday wishes from my sista's. Thank you all!

All in all it was a great day!

I love my family!

(A virus attacked my kodak easyshare software so I can't load the pics we took of the party)

2008-01-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional.
You prefer things the way you've always known them.
You'll admit that you're old fashioned, and you don't see anything wrong with that.
Your tastes and preferences are classic. And classic never goes out of style.

Those who like you crave security.
People can rely on you to be true to yourself - and true to them.
You're loyal, trustworthy, and comfortable in your own skin.
And because of these qualities, you've definitely earned a lot of respect.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Guess who?

2008-01-27T16:41:00.001-08:00

In honor of my birthday tomorrow, I thought I'd show me as a cute widdle baby.
Sorry it's kinda blurry, I had to take a picture of a picture.

Me and my sister Kim

Me as a cute widdle girl

Me at about 13 yo (I loved that dress)

The newest addition to our family

2008-01-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

A green (my favorite color btw) 1998 Chrysler Concorde. It seats 6. A couple in our ward were selling it for a really great deal and since I'm the only one driving most of the time during the days, we wanted to have something that is not such a gas guzzler. That means we'll be back to driving two cars again when the whole family goes somewhere, but we've done it before and the savings on gas will be nice. A van would've been nice, but it is out of the question with a tight budget. So, that means we're selling the Big Blue Whale. If you know anyone who wants a fixer upper with a great 5 yo engine let us know.

What's in my purse?

2008-01-25T14:07:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by my sister Kim, so here is what is in my purse right now. I'm always amazed at how much stuff we can fit into such small places!

Here's the list of things to look for:

Button
Ibuprofen
Wallet
Hand lotion
A 1$ bill
Cell phone
Two checkbooks
My 3 drivers licenses(old one, temp one, and new one I just got in the mail)
2 sets of keys
2 free tickets to the movies (from when I went to a movie and it cut out)
Carmex
Halls lozenges
Eye drops
Tampon
Pad
Palm pilot
Floss
Fingernail clippers
Lots of paper stuff (I don't want to get detailed, too boring)
Notebook
Toilet paper (don't want to get caught without that. Really just to wipe my nose)
Student card
Costco card
Temple recommend
And many other cards (again, too boring to mention all of them)
Sunglasses
Paperclips

Those who should consider themselves tagged:
Kari
Denise
Kris
Shayla
Donna

Show us what ya got!!

Here I go again.....

2008-01-02T20:12:00.001-08:00

School starts tomorrow and I'm actually excited. The kids start tomorrow too. So, here's to a new year and another semester!

I'm done............ for now.

2007-12-15T16:09:00.000-08:00

I finished my FINAL final today. Yay! I've had a Saturday class this semester and I hated it. I've decided that Saturdays are precious and I won't do it again unless I absolutely have to. I did manage to pull a B+ out of my Fitness class. That's a big one for me since I've never liked anything P.E. I don't mind working out under my own terms, I've just always hated P.E.

I begin classes again on January 3rd. So, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the break. Well, after all the Christmas hoopla is over at least.

Haha!

2007-12-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

I found this on another blog and thought it was so funny. Mostly because my memory these days is suffering. Could it be my age? I'll be 43 in a little over a month. Wow!

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it. "

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down," she says.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down -- I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! I got it, for goodness' sake!"

He toddles off to the kitchen. Twenty minutes later the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"

Finals are upon me.....

2007-12-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been filled with work, work, work. Finishing up final projects. Now it's time to study for the 3 finals (tests) I have next week, and then this semester will be over. It has been a tough semester but I am so proud of myself for finishing and doing well. (so far) Final grades will probably be posted after Christmas. Or right before. Whatever grade I get, I'm glad I worked hard and know that I did a my beest, no matter what the grade. It is so satisfying.

My school choir has sung in three different concerts this last week and that was a lot of fun! But, as you can imagine, I'm plain worn out.

I had to write an original compostition for my theory class, and I wrote "Christmas Lullaby" I am so happy with it. I thought I would share the words:

Once upon a time, long ago,
A star shone bright, an angel glowed.
Telling the shepherds upon the hill,
A child was born, to save the world.

Fair little Jesus, Child of God.
Laid in a manger, swaddled in cloth.
Wrapped in the arms of his mother so dear,
Tiny baby,
Savior,
Jesus.

My pmdd battle still rages on, but I have found in the last couple of months with my acceptance of my limitations, that I have found a new freedom. Freedom to rest when I need to and not feel guilty. Freedom to ask for time out. Freedom to accept the Lord's will for me. Freedom to do the best I can and know that I'm am still a good person.

The Savior wants me to "Come unto Him" and I will find peace. Any lesson that helps me gain peace is a lesson I want in my life!

2007-11-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is upon us and I wanted to list some things I am grateful for this year:

*My dear sweet husband who has been by my side for 21 yrs.
*My children who have given me some of my greatest life lessons.
*Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have become a better person because of it.
*My Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ who lifts me everyday.
*My brain. After all these years it's reassuring to be able to go back to school and do well.
*My extended family who loves and supports me and my family. I couldn't ask for any better!
*My calling in Young Women's because it has made me a better mother to my teenagers.
*My nice, warm, soft, cozy bed.
*My nice, warm, cozy home.

There is so much more, but these are at the top of the list.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!

I can't wait!

2007-11-20T21:29:00.000-08:00

YUM!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Today is my 3rd dd's birthday!

2007-11-12T16:04:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I have another dd so grown up. She's 17 and is so cute and bubbly. She has been such a joy to our family!

I love you Shelby!

Thoughts for the day

2007-11-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

These have really uplifted me this week:

"A miracle is not the suspension of a natural law,
but the operation of a higher law."

"Experience is what you get when you don't get
what you want."

I am learning new stuff everyday...

2007-11-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

School has been very difficult this semester which adds a lot of stress to my life, but I have to keep saying "I think I can" because I know it will be worth it in the end!

Having depression and anxiety in my life tends to make it, and everything else, even more challenging, but I know there's a purpose in everything and I am trying to find it. It has definitely made my perspectives on life and in the gospel more understanding and open to what Heavenly Father understands and what I understand. He knows all and I don't. This is definitely making me a less judgemental person, and that alone is a miracle. I have seen growth in the struggle and today I'm in a good place. I can't tell what tomorrow will bring, but I do know one thing....that whatever it is, If I give it to my Father in Heaven, after all I can do, he will be there. I have learned so much about "grace" and the part it needs to play in my life. I just have to remember that Heavenly Father knows what He's doing and when I put my trust in Him, it all works together for good.

My life in a nutshell...

2007-11-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

1. School is dang hard this semester. (I don't know why I need another challenge?!?!)

2. I've finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up....I'm changing my major to........Social Work. I'm finally goin' for the Bachelors.

3. I still love music, passionately, and it was a good thing to start back to school with. I will still take classes in music for fun, but it really was never what I wanted to do as a career.

4. Halloween was a blast this year. Our school had a fall fest which the kids loved and trick-or-treating was so easy with older kids and great weather.

5. Pmdd still sucks and I'm still struggling with finding a good mix of meds, but I'm finally coming to acceptance and I feel freer. It's all about accepting my limitations and realizing I'm still a good person.

6. My kids are all happy in school and that's makes my life easier.

7. My house is mess because so much of my energy is going to school. Oh well.

8. YW's keeps me busy in all the extra time I might have otherwise. But, I love it!

Life moves forward quickly and I look forward to Thanksgiving... spending time with family, eating good food, and no expections. Just togetherness!

It's been too long!

2007-08-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

But summer has kept me from being on the computer a whole lot. Plus, my life hasn't been exciting enough to blog anything.

School starts in a week for the kids and I will have all my kids in school ALL day for the first time ever. That's 20 yrs. of always having at least 1 kid home with me. I am excited for this new phase of life, but it is bittersweet. Everytime I see a baby I miss having a baby. But, I also am glad that I don't have bottles, diapers, strollers, baby bags, car seats, and cribs anymore. My dh and I are feeling a new found independence. It is still weird though. My baby is going to be in 1st grade!!!! WOW!!!

My two oldest dd's and I start college the day after the other kids. I am excited! I'm taking Advanced Music Theory, Music in the Elementary school, private piano instruction, Acapella Choir, and Fitness for life, my last PE credit. Then I'm taking one institute class.

Other than that, life has been hard. I have changed meds for my pmdd and it has been hard on my body, but I can feel it getting somewhat better. I think changing meds will be good eventually, but the initial start up has whipped my butt. I read a story about a woman with bipolar and it took her 17 yrs. to find the right mix for her. 17 yrs. of hell to find relief. I don't know if I can handle much more of this rollercoaster ride of pmdd. I know I am still in denial about giving in to the limitations of this disease and making the best of it. I still find myself in the "life's not fair, why me" thinking a lot of the time, which I know is not good to my mental health. I just need to accept this new path and do what I can to make the best of it. People are doing it everyday. I just can't seem to get it. School will help me feel productive, so that will be good.

Wow, this is me for sure!

2007-06-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

You Are a Turkey Sandwich

Conservative and a bit shy, you tend to stick with what you know and trust.

You are very introverted, and you prefer to blend in whenever possible.

Though you may be hard to know well, anyone who does know you considers you a true friend.

Your best friend: The Ham Sandwich

Your mortal enemy: The Tuna Fish Sandwich

What Kind of Sandwich Are You?

Two posts in one day....WOW!

2007-06-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've never done this before, but I wanted to post about the last week. The 4-5 days after Kylie's death were very difficult emotionally, but I was able to talk and work it out with a lot of people while I awaited my visit with my therapist on Monday. This visit was very good!

I also was able to visit with some friends that knew Kylie and that was very theraputic. We sent messages in balloons up to the heavens for Kylie.

So, all in all things are better and I am hoping my meds work better for this next month concerning my pmdd.

I will also be absent next week for Young Womens Girls Camp. This will be my 6th year. It has been a ride!

Celebrating 21 yrs. of marriage

2007-06-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

Today is the day. I am so grateful for my dear sweet husband for staying by my side for the last 21 yrs. And I am also grateful for my committment to him. I feel like our lives together have brought a lot of joy, love, trust, and of course hardship. The hardships have taught us many great life lessons, so I cannot be ungrateful for them. Our children are now 20, 18, 16, 14, 11, 8 and 6. We have 2 graduated from HS now and on to college and life. We have grey hairs and many wrinkles to prove our growth and maturity through the years. LOL! We've both pledged to age gracefully, but I'm getting to the point where coloring my hair is becoming an option. heehee!

All I know now is that this life has been more bearable with him in it. Life has been brighter with his love for me AND my love for him. I am excited for the next 21 and more yrs. with him!!!

Life is HARD!

2007-06-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

Kylie is gone. I can't stand it! I feel betrayed, only because the feelings of my mom's own attempt at suicide when I was 17 hurt so much. Too many memories surfacing that I haven't felt in a long time. One of the biggest things that has kept me from following through with any of my own depressed, suicidal thoughts is the way I felt as the child/loved one hurt by the mere attempt by my own mother. I hated her for doing that to us. We loved her so much and she still tried to leave us. I don't want to do that to my own family. But what if things get so bad that I can't think of anything else? I know Kylie loved her family!! I learned over time and with some maturity that my own mother loved us!! But, it still hurts so much that someone can get into a situation where suicide is the only answer. I don't ever want to arrive at that point! I can't even believe I've ever thought about wanting to come to that point. Depression stinks! I hate it! I want to fight it, but I get so tired some days and it becomes so easy to want to give up. It scares me to even think about it! I am praying so hard that this medicine will help me. I want to be me again! Here I went through all this counseling and thought I was going to be okay, and now this hormonal crap!

There's a lesson in this, I know, but I still hate what it's doing to me!

I love you Kylie and pray you have found peace!

Thought for the day

2007-05-15T14:51:00.000-07:00

"Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic."

I know, I know

2007-05-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

It's been way too long since I blogged. Life has been hectic, and way too challenging lately. School and finals took up a lot of my time, but they're over and I am grateful for the break. I chose not to go summer semester and I am feeling good about being home with my kids. It was nice to get my school over with and have this last month of my kids' schooling without the stress of my school. They have plenty of activities to keep me busy.

PMDD has kept me a slave the last two months and has been very difficult on me. I have been so depressed, that I become a hermit, a recluse and can't function. (one of the reasons I have stayed off the computer) I have been avoiding seeing another doctor because I just thought no one could help me, but I finally went to see a gynecologist and now I have some hope for fighting it. I am going to be put on birth control. A new one called YAZ. It has been tested and reported to help 21 of the symptoms of pmdd. I start in a week and can't wait to see if it helps me. I have great faith in this and know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

Right now

2007-03-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at school in the computer lab after attending one of my professors vocal recitals. She is an awesome teacher and tonight was really nice to hear her sing. I've been told that if I'm a music major, I must immerse myself in music. I have done so. In the last month I have borrowed many CD's of great composers from the library, and I have also had the opportunity to attend 3 concerts, all very different in style. It has been fun, but very time consuming when you add it to a family of 9 and a school schedule. But I feel so deeply that music is like a kindred spirit to me. I not only hear it, I taste it and feel it. It moves me! So, I know that right now I'm doing the right thing! It feels good.

This is one of the reasons my blogging has decreased a bit. The other reason is that since getting a new YW presidency in January, we have been swamped with lots of things to do. Again, FUN, but time consuming.

Now for the Academy awards speech...I must send out a huge thanks to my dh who is an amazing support in all of this. He wants me to spread my wings and fly. To my children who think it's cool that mommy is going to school at the same time as them. And to my Father in Heaven for the gifts and talents and blessings he has given me in music, motherhood, marriage and Young Women's. What a blessing a family is!

Who am I?

2007-03-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

I think this is awesome and of course got the idea from the amazing Denise whose blog is fantabulous! I have to give credit where credit is due!

I was amazed at how close this visualDNA was to the real me. I thought it was fun!

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Solemn day

2007-03-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my good friend and neighbor lost her mother. She was on a flight and her mother passed away before she could make it there. This has really made me reflect on my own mothers' passing 14 yrs. ago. Last week at our Stake Women's conference Living Legends from BYU came to perform for us. It was beautiful. When they sang a song in Maori, I started to have a real longing for my mother. So now, having my friends mom die, brings it even closer to home. I miss her. My heart is aching for my friend because I know what she is going through. I guess you would call that emphathy instead of sympathy. And while I'm glad for this compassion that can only come from experiencing it, I miss her. I was at a mall the other day eating lunch with my 5 yo, and I saw all these mothers eating lunch and shopping with their own daughters and grandkids in tow. I felt lonely and lost. I don't know why it is hitting me so hard this week. Every now and then it hits me, like it will for the rest of my life. It is only a reminder of what a wonderful person she was. I miss her because I love her. I know that through the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is hope through the sorrow. I will see her again. I can go on because of that hope.

~My mother 20 months before she died~she adored her grandkids!

Some of the wonderful qualities she had were:
~Compassion
~A kind heart
~Courage through her illness

What do you admire about your mother?

10 things that make me smile...

2007-03-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

The love of my life

My children

My pets

Music

Autumn in Utah

Chocolate

Going back to school

Getting good grades in college

LOVE!

The Gospel of Jesus Christ

What makes you smile?

Line upon line, precept upon precept

2007-03-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

This weekend we had our Ward Conference and our Stake Women's conference. It was a very uplifting weekend for me. The focus for Ward conference and one of the speakers for the women was on Temple work.

It is a good reminder of:

~Every stone laid for a Temple is another reminder of who is in charge, God, and who isn't, Satan.
~The importance of the work for our ancestors.
~The importance of building a testimony.
~The importance of the organization of the church and how every ordinance is built upon eachother. God knows what he's doing!
~The importance of repetition.
~The importance of remembering Christ in our daily lives.

Leah Thinks

2007-02-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

So I decided to try and google myself like Denise did in her blog,which I found hilarious, and this is what I found:

Leah thinks she is staying up until 3

The instant and powerful mutual attraction soon blossoms into love. He wines and dines her and captures her heart. Just when Leah thinks she’s finally found ...

Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six sons.

Leah thinks being the youngest child made her independent. “I wanted to be something different,” she said. “I’ll always stick myself out there.” ...

Leahs hypocracy if this article is true is beyond belief,maybe leah thinks making porn is a more respectable way of getting fame and respect..so much ... (Bwahahahaha!)

Just when Leah thinks she’s finally found happiness, her world spins out of control. She becomes the target of terror and is stalked and tormented. ...

Leah thinks (and hopes) the body belongs to her sister, missing for 16 years.

Leah thinks I'm dying, I'm afraid.

Leah thinks that Maria and Craig are just camera hogs (she calls them in a confessional).

Leah thinks the yard needs more water (even though it just rained). She got out the sprinkler and dragged the hose across the yard to hook it up. ...

Leah thinks I'm just a set of monkey bars. (Huh?)

Leah thinks shes pregnant. (NOT!)

Leah thinks she is hot stuff standing at the table by herself. (Ya got that right!)

Leah thinks her mum is menopausal.

Leah thinks I'm a major nerd - but I know she secretly thinks I look hot in the uniform.

And I could go on and on and on. There were 789,000 hits for my name. I only got through 80 of them.

Try it! I had fun!

Valentine's day

2007-02-16T09:41:00.000-08:00

The day started out really nice. I wrote some romantic stuff for my dh on our bathroom mirror and attached a card. My 5 yo thought that was the coolest. Went to class, then came home 2 hrs. later to go to lunch with dh. (he got off work for me) Best way to avoid the holiday crowd, and still enjoy eating out. We hung out the rest of the day and into the night. After we put the children to bed, we settled in for a nice evening together.:o) When, from out of nowhere, my 14 yo son yells, "W, said 5 yo,just threw up!!" OMHeck! It was everywhere, including all over my 14 yo's trombone case and bed. It took us an hour to clean it up. You can bet the romance was gone after that! So, here's a tip: Don't let your kid eat all his valentine treats in one evening. Vomit and romance don't mix. BTW, he was fine the next day.

What is a super taster?

2007-02-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

If you google the word "super taster" there is plenty of info regarding this phenomenon. I have always wondered why I didn't like some vegetables, and finding out about the super tasters' tongue made the light come on in my head. So, I have forbidden my dh from calling me a picky eater anymore.

Here's what one website had to say:

Super taster
When your child, patient or co-worker balks at eating spinach or broccoli, put it down to bad taste. You may be dealing with a "super taster" whose taste buds are highly tuned into - and turned off by - bitter compounds found in foods such as pungent vegetables, grapefruit juice, wine, green tea and strong coffee.

"About 25 percent of the population are genetically programmed to be super tasters who sharply detect bitter compounds in food," said Dr Adam Drewnowski, Director of the Nutritional Sciences Program at the University of Washington, Seattle, USA, and an expert on taste and food choices. "Half of the population detects these compounds to some degree and another 25 percent don't detect them at all."

What makes super tasters so bitterly sensitive to foods? Compared to their less discriminating colleagues, super tasters' tongues are packed with many more fungiform papillae, the little bumps on the tongue that house the taste buds. About two-thirds of super tasters are female and the sensitivity often fades with age. One theory is that, in years gone by, super tasting served as a survival mechanism. "Perhaps the characteristic discouraged pregnant women from eating poisonous plants or berries, which tend to taste bitter," said Drewnowski.

Ironically, many of these bitter substances are disease-fighting phytochemicals that may be beneficial to health. Super tasters can help the vegetables go down and optimise nutrient intake by adding a little oil or margarine to their dish. According to Drewnowski, fat improves the flavour of vegetables by masking the bitter taste.

Are You a Super Taster?

Try this test to see whether you're a super taster.

Using a hole punch, punch a hole in the middle of a 5-cm square of waxed paper (lunch wrap). Place the hole on the tip of your tongue. Swab some blue food colouring on the exposed part of the tongue and, using a magnifying glass and a flashlight, count the number of fungiform papillae (the pinkish circles). Super tasters will have dozens of papillae; non-tasters will have only five or six.

That's what I get

2007-02-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

For reading Denise's blog. Now I have been tagged. And the same rules apply for my blog...if you have not been tagged yet, and you are reading this, you have now, officially been tagged. Return and report!

So, six unusual things about me:

1. I had more adult friends in my childhood than friends around my age.

2. I have 7 children. In this world today, that is certainly unusual.

3. I am an "on the side" type of person when it comes to going out to eat. I like to control how much stuff goes on stuff, like spaghetti sauce, or how much condiments go on a sandwich, or dressing on salad.

4. I am a very physical person. Meaning I like to hug and also give physical contact when I am talking to someone. Like a touch on the shoulder, arm, or shake a hand. But I will not do it if I know someone is uncomfortable with it. I am also a cuddler. I love to cuddle with my dh, babies, and kids.

5. I am a super taster. No, not a picky eater...a Super Taster!

6. I love calendaring. I have a big calendar, I have a PDA, and I have my PDA calendar on my computer. I love looking over what's coming up.

I dreamed a dream...

2007-02-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night in which I was going to teach a short lesson at a preschool and be graded on it. As I got there, there were other students doing the same thing. As my turn came up, they all of the sudden decided they needed lunch and I could do my thing after. Throughout the whole dream I was waiting for my turn and never got it.

Now, this would not be signigicant if I wasn't trying to figure out what to do with my schooling and my future. It has been on my mind a lot lately.

Let's rewind about 25 yrs. All I ever wanted to do was be a teacher. Either Preschool or Elementary Education. I love teacing! Easy.

When I was preparing to go back to school last Spring I was ready to start in Elementary Ed., with an emphasis in Early Childhood. Except, I couldn't get my schedule going. Nothing seemed right. I was not at peace. Stupor of thought. I was so frustrated. Then, one Sunday morning, as I was fasting, my stupor of thought left me. I was listening to some church music and feeling way overwhelmed at the prospect of even going to school, and it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I needed to major in music. Why? I don't know! I still don't know! All I do know is that what I am doing right now is right! Peace, no stupor, no frustration. Everything is flowing.

So, back to the dream. Is this just another reminder that I am doing the right thing for right now? That teaching school will not be my destiny? I still have the thought every now and then to finish my associates in Music and then go into Elementary Ed. But I can't find any peace in that thought. At least not right now.

I have always been a preparer. And, I like knowing the outcome. In this case, I am being humbled into trusting in the Lord's will. Doing what he asks of me and trusting that I will be lead to do the right thing. All I have really ever wanted to do is to serve the Lord and his people, and build up his kindgom here on earth.

2007-01-31T15:48:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who is a Psychologist (Dr. Paul) and he sends out a weekly ezine in my email. I love everything he has to say, but some things hit me like a ton of bricks. Like today. This is what he sent:

"Robert Kiyosaki in his book, Before You Quit Your Job, gave this advice regarding mistakes: So every time you make a mistake, stop, and take the opportunity to learn something new, something you obviously need to learn. When something does not go your way, or something goes wrong, or you fail, take the time to think. Once you find the hidden lesson you will be thankful for the mistake. If you are upset, angry, ashamed, blaming someone else for the mistake, or pretending you haven't made a mistake, you haven't been thinking hard enough. Your mental capacity hasn't expanded enough. you haven't learned the lesson. So keep thinking. (p. 37)"

This goes along with what my therapist said: "Our trials are the schoolmasters of our lives. Let them teach you."

Since going back to school I have had to learn this important lesson even more than ever. It has really helped me understand that nothing is perfect in this life. I can't make every assignment perfect. I will make mistakes. And instead of downing myself, I can look upward to my Heavenly Father for help and understanding as to how my failures, and trials for that matter, can make "weak things become strong." (Ether 12:27)

There is a lesson to be learned around every corner of life and I am determined to graduate this life with plenty of knowledge and a "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

My opposite birthday

2007-01-29T14:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I turned 42. I thought about the things that were happening when I was 24 and here is what I came up with:

The year was 1989
I was much younger
No grey hairs on my head
Not a wrinkle in sight
I was a mother of 1
I was 6 mos. pregnant with #2
I had been married for 2 1/2 yrs to the love of my life
I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment that cost $250 a month rent
We owned a brown Toyota Celica
I was a stay at home mom
My dh was a recent graduate of BYU and working as a Produce manager

Best song that won the Grammy was "Wind Beneath my Wings"
"Rain Man" won the Oscar
CMA's entertainer of the year was George Strait
LA Law was the outstanding television drama series

The Berlin wall was open to the west after 28 yrs.
George Bush was inaugurated the 41st president of the US
cost of a first class stamp was 25 cents.

Now in the year 2007:
I am much older
Plenty of grey hairs on my head, but I haven't broken down YET to color my hair
Plenty of wrinkles
Mother of 7
No more pregnancies for me
Married for 20 1/2 years to the same love of my life
I live in a 4 bedroom, 18oo sf home, that cost more than 3X's the rent I use to pay
We drive a 1990 Chevy 9 pass. Suburban
I am a stay at home mom still and going back to school to get my degree. Wow!
My dh changed careers and now works for the state. But, still works in the produce dept., at the same grocery store, as a part timer.

I don't watch and keep up with entertainment much anymore, but George Bush Jr. is now president and a first class stamp now costs 39 cents.

As I look in the mirror I see plenty of change.

As I look at the world, I see even more change. Computers, cell phones, internet, Credit cards galore, more wickedness and despair than I even thought possible 18 yrs. ago.

As I look at my growth I see the biggest change of all. I have more faith, more hope, more love, more blessings, more friends, more knowledge, and more to look forward to.

So, here's to another year of growth and change.

The Book of Mormon

2007-01-25T12:04:00.000-08:00

This year one of my goals is to read the BOM. I am reading it with my dh. Every time I read it I get more and more out of it. This is the beauty of repetition. We go to the temple and do the same things over and over, yet I get more understanding.
I love the BOM and I am excited to see what I can gain from it yet again. The gospel is such a blessing to me.

I know from experience that my life is meant to be challenging. Look at all the events in the BOM. It is really teaching me so much right now.
I had a bishop once tell me that no matter how bad I feel about what is happening to me, that there will always be someone else who has it worse.
Take this family for example:

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=830228

The pain and suffering is unimaginable, but I know they will get through, because this is part of life. So, this must mean that I will get through. "The Sun will come out tomorrow" as "Annie" would say. No matter how corny it sounds, it's TRUE! Heavenly Father gives us hope. The BOM gives us hope. The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us hope. That is what I need to hang on to right now. I just need to be patient.

When it rains it pours!

2007-01-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

What is it with this saying? I'd appreciate a sprinkle now and then. Forget the black cloud that hangs over our home way too much. At least way too much for our bank account. Between the regular stuff to budget, we need a car...our washer fixed...braces...glasses...wisdom teeth out...school fees paid off...etc...etc. So, I prioritized our needs and I continue to pray that maybe braces and glasses can get to the top of the list. If everything else would stop coming up, or breaking, then maybe there would be a chance in heaven. I don't see it. I'm pessimistic today.

No wise words of wisdom to ponder. Only juggling. Juggling an armload of stuff with an umbrella that is too small, and I'm getting soaked!

Thought

2007-01-10T14:04:00.000-08:00

A formula for a successful life:

Wake up
Show up
Follow up

I like it!

Who, with success in their lives, hasn't followed this mantra? No one I know!

Enough said.

Fear...

2007-01-08T19:11:00.000-08:00

I started a new class today. Conducting. I'm excited and terrified. Standing up in front of a group of people who are looking to you to direct them can be quite intimidating. At least I think so. This is my first real experience. Now, I have directed music for Young Women's, and primary, and Relief Society. But never in Sacrament meeting. Never a choir. I can't even comprehend it. But it's coming. This class will push me into it. My teacher is the conductor in our ward. He is very good at what he does. Why I write this, is because he said something very profound today...

Fear is good, because it means you are in a growth experience. Let the fear push you to learn and grow.

My first reaction is, 99% of the time, when I'm faced with fear, I want to run. Run fast, run far, run away. This statement has made me rethink that strategy.

Example: I knew I needed to go back to school. I had received inspiration, and support from my family. If I would've given in to my fear, I wouldn't be back right now. I'd be sitting home in the wish mode. Wishing is thinking, but not doing. I want to be a doer, not a wisher.

So, fear will drive me to be uncomfortable, standing up in front of people I don't know (yet) in my class, to be judged and analyzed as I learn a new aspect of music. I will let my fear drive me to success.

Oh, I'm scared!

New Picture

2007-01-04T14:46:00.000-08:00

And I took it by myself.

Me.
Almost 42.
Loving school.
Lots to do!

Goals for 2007

2007-01-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

*Read the Book of Mormon
*Exercise 3-4 times a week
*Teach my children more about the gospel
*Deal with change better
*Maintain a better self-esteem
*Go to the temple once a month
*Laugh
*Love
*Live

Happy New Year!

What I learned in 2006

2007-01-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

*Life is definitely like a rollercoaster.
*Although the rollercoaster can be scary, it can be fun.
*Life is what YOU make of it.
*My family loves me despite all of my faults.
*I have a brain that works.
*My eyes have been opened to chronic pain, and what it can teach me.
*Our life here on earth is all about learning, enduring, and overcoming.
*Life is fragile.
*A life lived with faith and hope is a happier one.
*A life lived with the gospel of Jesus Christ is a better one.
*God helps people through people.
*Love in a marriage is much deeper after 20 yrs. If people would just give it a chance.
*To have love in a marriage is a blessing.
*What I am learning from being a mother to 7 I cannot learn any other way.
*Friends can lift you up in times of sorrow.
*Paying tithing really can bring about miracles.
*People will try to hurt you, but you can choose how to react.
*Heavenly Father abandons no one.
*Love is eternal.
*I can do this!

It's time to be done

2006-12-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

These were some of the last words from my therapist yesterday. These are difficult words to hear. I knew counseling was coming to a close. I felt it. I knew I was feeling better. But, it is still difficult to hear. So, now I am on an "If" and "When" basis. If I need it, or when I need it. I'm sure I'll need a tune-up every now and then. It can be easy to forget. This was my second stint with him. He has certainly blessed my life with so much knowledge of something better.

My pmdd this month was bearable, mostly because I knew and accepted the signs and did not play a victim to them. I am currently waiting to see a gynecologist that may be able to help me a bit more than my family doctor. I need something more, whether it be a med change or hormone therapy. I just know that there must be a doctor out there with more knowledge and more help. I feel it.

Finals done and Christmas is almost here

2006-12-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy with school, YW's, and family that I have hardly been on the computer. Now that Christmas is coming, I have been shopping, and tackling hordes of people and traffic. That's what you get when you procrastinate.

Things are going well, finals went great, but included plenty of stress. I'm still waiting on grades. New term starts January 4th. I like this school thing!

PMDD is still a daily mental and physical challenge and I am seeing a Gynecologist after the holidays. Thinking about looking into other meds that might work better for me.

Happy Holidays!

Now that I have said it out loud...

2006-11-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

I am getting to where I can get over the victimization and the anger of it.

"Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder.".

I told a friend last night. One down, many more to go. I need to get this out and talk about it. I need to know that I can deal with this. I need to admit that I have a trial and that it will improve my life if I will let it teach me.

My therapist said the other day...

"Trials/struggles, are the schoolmasters of our lives. They are meant to teach us."

He also said that Heavenly Father didn't just say one day, "Oh, I think I'll give Leah Premenstual Disphoric Disorder." No, this is part of the plan. We are given weakness to make us strong. To remind us to turn to God. To make us humble. To keep us from being too prideful. Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. And, he is teaching me to know what I'm doing. Or, to know what I should be doing!

I need to take my own advice that I once shared with a friend after she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. "This is not a death sentence." She is alive and well today. I am alive and well today.

I can do this!

Biggest thing to work on...Turn to HIM! Trust in HIM! Trust in HIS plan!

Chronic conditions: What do they teach us?

2006-10-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling this month. I'm struggling to accept that my chronic pms for the last 10 yrs. has gotten worse and now I am fighting pmdd...Prementrual Disphoric Disorder. Every month it is there staring me in the face, giving my life more challenge than I can sometimes handle. Or maybe I should say accept. It has gotten to the point where it is affecting my life and pulling me down. I hate it. My doctor has upped my meds through a 2 week period every month, and that has helped. Plus exercise. Now that's a problem. I know it can help me feel better, but on days that I feel like crap, that is the first thing to go. I'm learning that it has nothing to do with motivation. I feel crummy. Who goes and exercises when they feel crummy. It's hard enough with mybusy life to fit in exercise and I'm pretty good about getting in at least 3 days a week, but when my pmdd hits, I wake up tired, fatigued, discouraged. 3 of the biggest ways to kill motivation. Then you have to add insomnia, headaches, etc. etc. The list goes on unfortunately. For me I have about 80% of pmdd symptoms. To learn more: http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/uvahealth/adult_women/pmdd.cfm

So, what do I need to learn?
*Patience, to accept what I'm dealt and make the best of it.
*To take care of "me" Not to forget that I'm not only a mother, wife, and friend, but I'm Leah and I need to be good to myself during this struggle.
*To adjust, be flexible...life, schedule, and patience during this period every month.
*That it IS okay! I am an okay person. I am working hard to be strong through this. I am working hard to make this a part of everyday life and accept it. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I have a supportive family! My dh helps enormously. His compassion to my struggles is the best blessing I could ask for through all of this.
*I CAN DO THIS! Remember always, that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle. That does not mean he will not stretch us, or teach us that we are stronger than we think.
*There is HOPE! Hope that God will help me! I love him and trust in his great concern for our welfare.

Music theory has many life parallels

2006-10-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

That last few weeks we have been doing a lot of assignments in music theory where we are given the soprano line and then we have to write 4 measures of 4 part harmony, with all the rules from the common practice period. I still am not quite sure of my knowledge of what the common practice period is, but I do know there are rules to follow. You can't write a piece of harmony with only a good ear. You need direction. Guidelines. Rules that make the harmony stronger.

Just like life. We are sent here as an infant, and we grow in steps. Learning from those who have already gone through the experience. Who have practiced daily the guidelines of life. Who seek for direction from an all seeing God. All of this to make our lives richer, stronger, and in harmony with all that surrounds us.

My teacher keeps reminding us that all this learning will pay off. He can harmonize a line in about 4 minutes. The last three assignments have taken me about 3 hours each. For four measures! I'm am in the infant stages of learning. He has been doing this for at least 30 yrs.

Just like life. You don't feed an infant a steak. A baby isn't born walking. Roll over, scoot, crawl, walk. This is what I am learning in writing music. If I want it bad enough I will be patient with the roll over, scoot, crawl, and walk system. It will come. Just like all things in life that come through perseverance and dedication.

As our assignments are handed back to us, our teacher has used his "magic red pen," as he calls it, to mark our mistakes. As we do more assignments, the idea is to have less red each time. He grades us on participation, and improvement, not how many red marks we get each time.

Just like life. Heavenly Father sent us down here knowing we would make mistakes. But he also knew we would make better choices if we would follow his teachings. Our mistakes would become less and less as we progress. He knew this. My teacher knows this.

The more we practice these rules, or guidelines, the stronger and richer we will be

Next time you hear a good hymn, listen to how the harmonies blend together. Then, think about how beautiful your life can be when you strive for harmony with all God has intended for you.

Creatures of habit

2006-10-09T13:05:00.001-07:00

I am definitely a creature of habit. I follow the same routine every morning: wake up, do the potty thing, put on the deoderant, brush my teeth, and take my medicine with two glasses of water. Then I wake up the kids and procede to the other bathroom to put on makeup and do my hair. When a shower is needed, I do that after the potty thing, and go right back to the same routine. Most mornings I don't have to even think about it unless I get up late. Then all heck breaks loose, and my mind seems to forget there is even such a thing as habit or routine. But, that is a whole other story.

Back to the point: Yesterday at church, and we have a routine for that one too, we walk in the normal 20 min. early to get our usual bench. The one we've had for almost 10 years. The bench that should have our family name ingraved on it. The one with ancient crumbs left over from when our 5 yo was going through the snack stage. Our bench. I know, not technically ours, but I'm parital to it. Partial to the habit of having my nice comfortable bench. Maybe I'm a bit OCD, but I like my bench! Again, to the point: My kids walked in to put their books on the bench to save it, because I was in the Library and my dh was doing Ward Clerk stuff. They left to go potty and get drinks, and when they came back someone was sitting on our bench. The one we saved. The one we always sit on. Now is the part that could be considered humorous...they come running out to me and say, "Mom, someone is sitting in our spot!" It just hit me that I'm not the only one that is partial to our bench! I felt the only thing that I could feel at that point: "Someone is sitting on our bench!" I was in shock. Even more humorous was the fact that other ward members made comments about us not getting our bench as we walked back to the overflow section to sit. Feeling dejected, as well as worrying about whose spot we were taking, another ward member comes up and says, "They left your spot, you can go sit there now." What? We can go sit on our bench? Really? What just happened? I don't know. Maybe the gal saw her friends and decided to go sit by them, but the warm feeling of going back to my comfortable spot was just enough to bring a smile to my face.

Silly? Yes. But think about it next time someone makes you change spots. We are all creatures of habit in some way.

Ahhh! It's Friday!

2006-10-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

My first set of midterms is over. Two more next week. But, I am unbelieveably relieved. I got an "A" on my sight-singing test, and I will find out about my written on Tuesday.

It's date night, and I look forward to it every week. I don't even care what hubby and I do on our dates anymore, it's just much needed time with him...alone. I love it! It has been fundamental in our relationship. We have done it for so long now, that it wouldn't seem right to skip it. I see too many couples in my life that don't put each other and their marriage as a top priority. And they still wonder what's wrong with their marriage. My dh and I have always tried to put God and family first, and it has paid off. Marriage and family life is hard, full of challenges, and we need all the help we can get, so why not include God in that relationship? Our beliefs have been fundamental in keeping this family going. In keeping us good, hard working, honest individuals.

I am blessed. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I am learning to live to my full potential because of this "good news".

Remember, work hard and you will be blessed. Being married 20 yrs. and still counting is plenty of positive proof of that.

Midterms

2006-10-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

My first midterm in 20 yrs. My first real test. Not a quiz. A test. For some reason, I do not put quiz and test in the same category. A quiz will make me nervous for 2 seconds, because it is announced and given. No thought in the matter. You comply. A test, on the other hand is something that is coming, and you know about it. You have time to study, worry, fret, shake, throw up, or like me, just become nauseous. You have time to think about whether you have studied enough, listened intently enough, and retained enough.

I believe in a God who blesses us when we do OUR part. I have strived to live this principle my whole life. I believe that through my hard work, success will be my reward.

As far as success goes, what is it, and how do you define it?

When I was in school as a teenager, and then in college before I got married, my success was defined as the grade I got. It showed how well I studied and retained. The grade determined my success. As a perfectionist, an "A" was success, and anything else was failure. I don't know where this thinking came into play, but I was not as happy as I could've been in my life back then.

My wonderful counselor has shown me a new way of thinking. A happier way. A better way. He asked me the question, "When you came to see me, did you know what grades I had gotten to obtain my degree?" I said, "No." Then he replied, "If you knew I had gotten a couple of "C's" in my classes, would it have made a difference whether you would've kept seeing me or not?" Of course my answer was another "No".

So with that came a new attitude about school. "Go, and have fun learning." he said. "Do your best, and you will be blessed." Heavenly Father does not let hard work go unrewarded. So if I live by this standard, then I can do anything but fail.

As my wise counselor said, "Even 90% is still an "A".

It doesn't have to be 100% or nothing. We are not meant to be perfect in this life. Only to strive for it.

Sodom & Gomorrah

2006-09-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

I went to a fireside last Sunday and had the priviledge of listening to a BYU professor of religion. He was an awesome speaker.

One of his points was: "Let the past go, celebrate the present, and look to the future with an optimism born of the spirit."

He told the story of a colleauge who, when he was a bishop, was able to see a young lady who had sinned, and then followed all the steps of repentance, but could not seem to forgive herself. I personally think this is the hardest step. He told her to go home and read the scripture story of "Sodom & Gomorrah" and to come back to him and tell him what she learned from it. She comes back to the bishop and tells him that she learned, "When you sin, you are destroyed." The bishop says, "No! That is not the lesson I wanted you to learn." She then asked, "Well what then?" He came back with a resounding "Don't look back!"

How come it is so hard not to look back? My husband always says he hates it when I bring up past mistakes. His especially. Sometimes it is hard for me to let go. All my past mistakes as a mother are probably the hardest. Before I was in therapy, I was not doing a good job at motherhood. I still feel guilty about that. I even said to my therapist that I hope my kids forgive me for that. He said they will when they have children of their own.

So, one of the last things he said was, "God cares more about your direction than your location." He also said we need to concentrate more on our aim instead of the target. If we are taking aim and working to improve it, we will hit the target.

We know the outcome of this world. God will win. No matter how wicked it gets, or how many of our dear brothers and sisters choose wickedness, God will win! Since we know the outcome, will we be able to work harder on our aim? Yes! At least I know I will be trying.

It depends on how you look at it

2006-09-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to make things bigger that they really are. Some would call it blowing things out of proportion. Making a mountain out of a mole hill. You get the point. My friend gave me the analogy of holding my opened hand up to my nose. When I did this, all I could see was my hand. Then he told me to pull my hand back until my arm was straight. I could still see my hand, but it was smaller. And I could see other things too. I'm just a bit too good at holding my hand to my face. When I have a problem, that's all I see. When in reality, the problem really isn't so big it can't be solved. And there is still plenty of enjoyment in life to help us through the trial. The problem is there, that's the fact. But, it is not the only thing in my life. I have so many blessings, that when I hold my hand (ie. problem) up to my nose, I forget to be grateful. I neglect all the good I really do have in my life. I forget that God gave me a brain to problem solve. I am using my brain to freak out. What a waste of good brain.

Another analogy I love,is looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. I refer to this often in my mind because I am trying to learn that trials are only part of our lives. I am me because of what I have learned from my trials, but also what I have learned from being a human being, working, loving, being faithful, being obedient, being a wife, companion, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. All of these shape who I am.

"The only difference between stepping stones and stumbling blocks is the way you use them."

My brain really does still work!

2006-09-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

It has been a week and a half since my school started. At first I was so filled with anxiety I wanted to throw up every morning. I took my first test on the first day of class to see if I qualify to be in that class. I had to wait 2 days for the results. Two difficult, anxiety filled days. But, I made it. I made it through the anxiety, and into the class. Barely, but even barely is still good enough. Now, I am getting into the groove and learning and re-learning a lot about music already. It has been a much better couple of days now.

I have to say, it is weird being the oldest student in all of my classes. The teachers are older, but the next oldest student is about 23.

Well, I love the classes. My brain feels otherwise, but is getting forced back into memorizing, and taking in new information. This actually feels like a muscle being worked....Hard! But, I can feel the difference in just a week and a half.

So, I plug forward with cautious optimism, that all will be well. I asked my dh what another word could be for cautious optimism. He couldn't find the one I was looking for. My word? Humility...being teachable.

My brain has a lot of learning to do, and yes, I can finally say, "My brain really does still work!"

Daily struggle to save myself

2006-08-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been overwhelming. Summer break for the kids is officially over tomorrow. I have been on the edge with my own prospects of going back to school and having to get them ready at the same time. Let me just start by saying how much I love my children. They are good kids. They all pretty much enjoy the whole school experience. They work hard. Haven't had a sluffer in the bunch yet. But, summer is a different story. By the end I have had enough of motherhood. I wonder if I should've had this many children. I wonder if I can handle it. Well, it's too late for those kind of questions. My therapist says I am walking up a mountain, then sitting there wondering why I'm where I'm at, and waiting for someone to save me from my misery. He told me it's all about avoidance. I'm avoiding problem solving, because I'm in such a habit of thinking that avoiding my problems is easier than solving them. When I sit back and think rationally, I know that problem solving is much better and makes me a better mother. Problem solving is much more empowering that sitting at the top of that mountain feeling helpless and out of control. Remember the driver scenario. And, the wilderness analogy.

I was upset that I was doing it again, and my therapist said that "he" hasn't even figured it out yet. It is a lifelong process, and I am glad he is there to remind me about it.

Remember again...Life is a work in progress.
I will deal with this in a healthy way. Empowering myself with the tools I have been given will bring much greater joy than acting out "the helpless little girl" act over and over and over. I am not that little girl anymore.

I may be on top of a great mountain, but I will use the same strength to get back down.

Am I NUTS?

2006-08-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

Some days I think I am. But right now, my life is filled with preparations for school. There are nine of us in our family. Eight of us are starting school on the 23rd.

I am returning to school after a 20 yr. break. Of course, it wasn't a break from learning. My classroom has been my home. My teachers have been my dh and my kids. My homework is a 24/7 task of nurturing, physical labor, and teaching.

This time is different. I will be returning to an actual classroom, at an actual college campus. And, I'll be doing this all while I continue my classes of motherhood and marriage.

So, while I may seem nuts, I'm happy. Happy to learn more. Happy to fulfill a dream of getting a college education. Happy to teach my children how important it is to gain a higher education.

Knowledge is power, and I feel the power!

This mother shouldn't go to Boy Scout Camp

2006-08-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

My 13 yr. old son has a bully. Right in his own scout troop. This kid gets a kick out of calling my son names and playing tricks on him. I knew this going into the scout camp adventure for him, but we talked to him and hoped he would stand up for himself. He has inherited my sensitivity. Sometimes I feel sad about that. He has more girl friends, than boy friends. But then I think...This is not a disease!! He is a good boy. He is funny. He is nice. He treats others very well. Okay, he's not perfect, but overall, he isn't your macho, never cry, tough guy.

So, family night comes up on Friday at scout camp and my dh and I decide to go up and visit. When I get up there, after the program, he looks so sad. I ask him what is wrong, even though I already know, and he breaks down. This bully laid it on pretty thick with the insults and teasing for the week.

What do you think my reaction was? This is a no brainer! Remember, I am the mother bear, and I will do anything to protect my cub.

Well, I went to the leaders and said something. But, because of my anxiety issues, I broke down like a baby myself. Probably embarrased my son even more than he already was from all the taunting. I do have a bit of compassion for the bully. The leaders said he is mean to everyone. They have talked to him. He continues to do it. My friends say I should talk to the parents, but I have heard that can only make it worse. Besides, the parents were reamed last year from how their boy acted at camp. Argh!

So, I spent the rest of the night wondering if I had done the right thing. Am I babying my son too much? I believe that when a parent sends their child off somewhere, they should be able to know that their child will be protected, and feel safe and loved. I also believe that a child has to learn how to deal with and problem solve issues in the world. That's what all these lessons in life are supposed to teach us.

I don't think this will stop him from participating in the scouting program. He loves his leaders. He loves the program. He loves camping. He will learn good things from these experiences. I have to trust in that. He knows he has a good family support system.

"You recommended it yourself"

2006-08-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

My dh works with people who are in a 60-90 day unit which gives recommendations for prison time or rehab to the judge for sentencing. Today, two of the ladies he recommended for prison were on their way back from court as my dh was walking out the door. One of the ladies couldn't even look at him. But the other said to him, "You recommended me for prison time?" Then my dh says back to her, "No, YOU, recommended you for prison time." She didn't say a word after that.

Her history was one of broken probations and little regard for the law. She had been given more than one chance. She blew it.

What my dh said today really impacted me. We do recommend the lives we live. We choose. When Heavenly Father gives us one chance after another, and we choose wrong, we have recommended misery for ourselves.

I recommend that I live my life to the fullest. But, I have to do more than say it. I have to live as if that is what I want.

Trying not to forget

2006-07-31T12:18:00.000-07:00

After a week and a half, I finally got to go to water aerobics again. Dr. says no other kind of exercise for a month. I'm just glad to get my body moving again. I really did miss it!

The weekend was filled with work and fun. On Sunday we went to my nephew's homecoming talk and then to my sisters home for dinner. It was great to be with family. I always enjoy the get togethers with them. Now that my great nephew has been born, we have 4 generations at our gatherings. It is so wonderful to see the family grow.

As we were getting in the car to go to my sisters, our car wouldn't start. It was hard not to go into that victim mode I'm so famous for. But, I worked through my discouragement and moved on to have a good day. My husband thinks it's the starter motor. All I know is the car started today. So weird.

Today is a good day, although I'm a bit overwhelmed at the condition of my home since I've been down for the last 10 days. I have to get over the worry. The house will always be here and always need to be tidied. The cleanliness of my home does not define who I am.

"Life is a work in progress!!"

On the right track again

2006-07-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

After my counseling visit yesterday, I am on a high. I finally feel like I'm on the right track again. I still have a lot of work to do going down that track, but at least I now feel like I'm pointed in the right direction.

I am working on not depending on what other's think of me to give me value, or confidence. I need to find that within myself. I have had a peek, and I like it. I like feeling good about myself. Within that process, I will become a more efficient, happier, content human being.

Something I heard on the show "Starting Over" was when Allison asked the life coach if whe will ever be cured of this, and the answer was, "Life is a work in progress."

There will always be ups and downs. There will always be something to overcome or work through.

So, I've told my husband whenever I get asking the same questions about ever being normal again, or being rid of this chaos in my mind, etc. etc., to remind me that "Life is a work in progress."

The Hero lies in me

2006-07-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

You know the song by Mariah Carey, talking about the hero within us?

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand For you to hold
You can find love If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone Tear them away
Hold on There will be tomorrow
In time You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It all goes back to me looking for hero's to save me, while all the time the hero lies in me.

I just have to find that hero in me.

The show "Starting Over"

2006-07-26T13:34:00.000-07:00

I tend to back away from reality shows, but the show Starting Over has really peaked my interest. Maybe because I can relate. I just wish it didn't come on at such a bad time for me to watch t.v. But today I watched and I'm glad I did.

This week I see my therapist and my homework was to look for areas in my life where I tend to look for someone to save me. Then I was suppose to problem solve on my own. Basically, stop playing a victim and save myself. I was also suppose to let my adult self nurture my child self. I missed nurturing when I was a child. Sometimes I turn into that little child and want to be nurtured. But, I am an adult now and need to handle things as an adult. I can nurture my inner self. Man, this has been hard!!

Today's show with Allison really hit me hard, because I have been playing the "victim" role for so many years of my life. I loved the exercise with victim labeling. Then throwing them into the ocean. That was powerful. I am way too much like Allison. When I look at her and her life, I feel like I'm looking into a mirror.

So, I am going to write down my victim labels so that I will be accountable for them.

1. Terminally ill, dying, dead mother
2. No childhood, had to grow up too fast
3. Overweight
4. Not good enough
5. Not smart enough
6. High expectations
7. Not worthy of something better
8. Not financially smart

I really liked what it all boils down to: "I worry too much about what others think" I question my own importance in the world. I rely to much on the approval of others.

Way too many excuses holding me back from who I really am and who I can become. I need to believe this! I NEED TO!!

Today's show was amazing. Now I need to continue to process all this info.

What do you get when you're 41 yrs. old and you play tag with a bunch of 12-18 yr. old kids?

2006-07-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

You get fun, satisfaction, and joy over the fact that as an older woman, you can still have fun. Then, as you're running off the field, you feel a pop in your leg and you can no longer walk.

Pain, ice and a dr. visit revealed I had torn my calve muscle. Great! 3-4 days bedrest and 3-4 weeks of complete healing. This is the part of the rollercoaster that isn't so much fun. I've already left my husband alone to care for our family of 7 kids while I went off to Youth conference for 2 days, and then Girls Camp for 4 days. Now, his homemaking and childcare skills are really being tested. I don't know how many times I've already said "I'm sorry" to him in the last 4 days.

But, that is the beauty of marriage. When one suffers, the other is there to compensate. I wouldn't choose any other way.

I love him!

How fast I forget

2006-07-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

I watched my friends 2 yo little boy today, and it felt like a whole new experience. My baby is 5 yo now and how quickly time goes by. I have forgotten. Forgotten how often a diaper needs to be changed. Forgotten how fast they get into things. Forgotten how much more you have to watch a toddler than you do a 5 yo. Forgotten about "naptime", bottles, and kids putting stuff into their mouths.

I am moving on to a new phase in life. No more babies, no more bottles, no more carseats, and no more diapers. I have to admit that it is bittersweet. I love having more freedom, yet I love cute little babies, little fingers, little toes, snuggles with a bottle, and naps.

Here I am the luckiest mom in the world, yet I get to hear at least a few times daily how much my children dislike me. Babies don't do that. I get to hear my cute little boy call his 19 yo sister a "butthead". Babies don't do that. I get to watch angelic children turn into hideous monsters. Babies don't do that.

So as I move into this new phase, I have to learn the new tricks of the new trade....My children help eachother, they nurture eachother, they laugh together, they play together. New joys to be had, new love to be shared.

Being a mother to teenagers and little children can be tough. It's different than being a mother to babies. But, there is always good and bad to both. So I seek new knowledge, and new hope that I will continue to be the mother that my children desire and will someday say to me, "Thank you for all you did for us growing up, we love you."

I love my kids so much! They are my greatest challenges, yet my greatest joys in life.

Knowledge is power

2006-07-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

April 28, 1842
Nauvoo, Illinois
Joseph Smith

"We are all responsible to God
for the manner we improve the light and wisdom
given by our Lord to enable us to save ourselves."

Going to counseling has been one of the best educations I have received to date. Marriage and motherhood would be my other two. I feel like I should have a diploma for all the hard work I have done. But I have something better than a diploma...the improvement in my life. It is living proof that I have gained an important education. Who does not want to better themselves? Who does not want to improve their circumstance mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually?

5 yrs. ago I was miserable. I didn't want improvement, I wanted to die. I had all the good that life can offer, yet I felt nothing. Nothing but dread, misery, unhappiness. However you put it, I had hit rock bottom. Life brought no joy. I gave up trying to find it.

Heavenly Father had a better plan for me. I knew it. He did not forsake me. I was led to a kind and loving counselor who got me started on the path to LIFE. I had been blessed with a husband who loved me and stuck by me no matter how miserable I was. And believe me, I shared plenty of miserable with him.

So why was I given another chance at life? Because I prayed. Quite fervently in fact. I had lost my fervor for life, but I had one last plea left in me and I used it. I am told that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle. This life experience is proof of that. I would've preferred not to hit rock bottom, but my ascent to the top was a lesson I wouldn't pass up for all the happiness in the world.

Can gratitude change our lives?

2006-07-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

One of things that has most affected my life is playing the victim role. I've spent way too much time in the "Life is not fair" mode. Most of my life in fact. Well, since seeking counseling, I have learned a new way of thinking. A way of thinking that tells me life is fair, life is good, I am NOT a victim.

Reminds me of the analogy of driving the car to a certain destination. Lets say I want to go to Salt Lake City, but I miss the exit and end up in Bountiful. I could choose to gripe, complain, and blame many things for my circumstance. But...if I would just take the time to look down and see whose hands are on the steering wheel then I could realize that I am the driver. My hands are on the steering wheel. I can turn around and go back and still get to Salt Lake, or I could go into Bountiful and see all the many great things to see there. It's my choice. My decision.

So it is with gratitude. I can choose to look at all the things I live without, or I can wake up every day and give thanks to my Father in Heaven for all he has given me. I am truly blessed. I have seen more happiness, more contentment, and more peace with this attitude.

I do still find myself thinking "why me?" every now and then. You can't change 40 yrs of thinking one way in one day. It takes time, but it's worth it. I am a much better person this way. I find myself enjoying many more things in life with gratitude as my friend. I'm learning to ask myself "What can I do about it?" instead of "Why me?" I have been a much more productive person this way. A much better wife, mother, and friend.

Choose to Love...rather than hate.
Choose to laugh...rather than cry.
Choose to create...rather than destroy.
Choose to persevere...rather than quit.
Choose to praise...rather than gossip.
Choose to heal...rather than wound.
Choose to give...rather than steal.
Choose to act...rather than procrastinate.
Choose to pray...rather than curse.
Choose to live ...rather than die.
Og Mandino

"Choose the light of the Lord.
Choose to seek knowledge.
Choose the light of love in your life.
Choose to live by the light of the Spirit."
Joseph B Wirthlin

The wilderness

2006-07-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

How would I react if I was in the wilderness alone? Would I fight to survive? Or, would I choose to give up and die? Would I wine and complain? Or, would I problem solve? These are questions all of us must ask ourselves. We must learn to save ourselves.

If we sit around waiting for someone else to save us, make us happy, make life perfect, or fix us, then we are sadly going to be disappointed. We must be teachable, so then we can be taught. We must allow ourselves to learn so we can empower ourselves against the lone and dreary wilderness. Of course I am talking figuratively. The world can be a lone and dreary place. I know, because I live with 8 other people and I can still feel very alone. I am loved and I can still feel alone.

I have great reason why I need to learn how to survive. Because it's worth it! Too many great lessons to be learned, too many people to love, and too much love yet to be shared with me. I have all these things and want to live and have passion for life. This is what a loving Heavenly Father has intended for all of us.

I have been waiting too long for someone to rescue me from my sadness, rescue me from all the wrongs done to me in my life, rescue me from not feeling good enough as a human being. A very wise person has told me that no one will rescue me. Real life is not hollywood. There is no knight in shining armor on a white horse.

I need to be the one to find within myself the strength and the happiness that does exist. I will learn this!

7 great kids

2006-07-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

I am blessed!

This was taken almost 2 yrs. ago.

They've already changed so much!

What my children have taught me.

2006-07-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

They have taught me patience, unconditional love, forgiveness, flexibility, and how to have fun. I had a very serious childhood. My mother had breast cancer when I was 5. She was then diagnosed with bone cancer when I was around the age of 10. Given 6 months to live. She lived with the effects of this cancer until I was 27, when she passed on due to complications of surgery on her bowel, which they said were complications due to fighting the cancer for so many years. Her body would not heal. It was plain worn out.

My childhood consisted of wondering how long she would be around. I had to grow up pretty fast. I think I went from being 10 to adulthood right then and there. I hated my teenage yrs. Too much stress. Can the fun that was missed, be made up? I'm working on that!

I love the movie "Parenthood"

2006-07-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

Up, down, up, down
Oh, what a ride!

It was just interesting to me,
that a ride could make me so,
so frightened, so scared, so sick,
so excited and so thrilled all together.

Some didn't like it,
they went on the Merry-go-round.
That just goes around...nothing.
I like the rollercoaster.
You get more out of it.

The rollercoaster of life has taken on a new meaning to me in the last 8 yrs. I married a man, 20 yrs. ago, who is so easy going. Things slide like water off a ducks back for him. I was totally opposite. Serious, perfectionist, absolutely NOT flexible. I have learned so much from this wonderful man. We have worked so beautifully together, because we have taught eachother so much. I have tightened him up and he has loosened me up. I laugh now. I love like I've never allowed myself to love before. The love of my life has taught me what it means to have passion for life.