Daily struggle to save myself

The last two weeks have been overwhelming. Summer break for the kids is officially over tomorrow. I have been on the edge with my own prospects of going back to school and having to get them ready at the same time. Let me just start by saying how much I love my children. They are good kids. They all pretty much enjoy the whole school experience. They work hard. Haven't had a sluffer in the bunch yet. But, summer is a different story. By the end I have had enough of motherhood. I wonder if I should've had this many children. I wonder if I can handle it. Well, it's too late for those kind of questions. My therapist says I am walking up a mountain, then sitting there wondering why I'm where I'm at, and waiting for someone to save me from my misery. He told me it's all about avoidance. I'm avoiding problem solving, because I'm in such a habit of thinking that avoiding my problems is easier than solving them. When I sit back and think rationally, I know that problem solving is much better and makes me a better mother. Problem solving is much more empowering that sitting at the top of that mountain feeling helpless and out of control. Remember the driver scenario. And, the wilderness analogy.

I was upset that I was doing it again, and my therapist said that "he" hasn't even figured it out yet. It is a lifelong process, and I am glad he is there to remind me about it.

Remember again...Life is a work in progress.
I will deal with this in a healthy way. Empowering myself with the tools I have been given will bring much greater joy than acting out "the helpless little girl" act over and over and over. I am not that little girl anymore.

I may be on top of a great mountain, but I will use the same strength to get back down.

Am I NUTS?

Some days I think I am. But right now, my life is filled with preparations for school. There are nine of us in our family. Eight of us are starting school on the 23rd.

I am returning to school after a 20 yr. break. Of course, it wasn't a break from learning. My classroom has been my home. My teachers have been my dh and my kids. My homework is a 24/7 task of nurturing, physical labor, and teaching.

This time is different. I will be returning to an actual classroom, at an actual college campus. And, I'll be doing this all while I continue my classes of motherhood and marriage.

So, while I may seem nuts, I'm happy. Happy to learn more. Happy to fulfill a dream of getting a college education. Happy to teach my children how important it is to gain a higher education.

Knowledge is power, and I feel the power!

This mother shouldn't go to Boy Scout Camp

My 13 yr. old son has a bully. Right in his own scout troop. This kid gets a kick out of calling my son names and playing tricks on him. I knew this going into the scout camp adventure for him, but we talked to him and hoped he would stand up for himself. He has inherited my sensitivity. Sometimes I feel sad about that. He has more girl friends, than boy friends. But then I think...This is not a disease!! He is a good boy. He is funny. He is nice. He treats others very well. Okay, he's not perfect, but overall, he isn't your macho, never cry, tough guy.

So, family night comes up on Friday at scout camp and my dh and I decide to go up and visit. When I get up there, after the program, he looks so sad. I ask him what is wrong, even though I already know, and he breaks down. This bully laid it on pretty thick with the insults and teasing for the week.

What do you think my reaction was? This is a no brainer! Remember, I am the mother bear, and I will do anything to protect my cub.

Well, I went to the leaders and said something. But, because of my anxiety issues, I broke down like a baby myself. Probably embarrased my son even more than he already was from all the taunting. I do have a bit of compassion for the bully. The leaders said he is mean to everyone. They have talked to him. He continues to do it. My friends say I should talk to the parents, but I have heard that can only make it worse. Besides, the parents were reamed last year from how their boy acted at camp. Argh!

So, I spent the rest of the night wondering if I had done the right thing. Am I babying my son too much? I believe that when a parent sends their child off somewhere, they should be able to know that their child will be protected, and feel safe and loved. I also believe that a child has to learn how to deal with and problem solve issues in the world. That's what all these lessons in life are supposed to teach us.

I don't think this will stop him from participating in the scouting program. He loves his leaders. He loves the program. He loves camping. He will learn good things from these experiences. I have to trust in that. He knows he has a good family support system.

"You recommended it yourself"

My dh works with people who are in a 60-90 day unit which gives recommendations for prison time or rehab to the judge for sentencing. Today, two of the ladies he recommended for prison were on their way back from court as my dh was walking out the door. One of the ladies couldn't even look at him. But the other said to him, "You recommended me for prison time?" Then my dh says back to her, "No, YOU, recommended you for prison time." She didn't say a word after that.

Her history was one of broken probations and little regard for the law. She had been given more than one chance. She blew it.

What my dh said today really impacted me. We do recommend the lives we live. We choose. When Heavenly Father gives us one chance after another, and we choose wrong, we have recommended misery for ourselves.

I recommend that I live my life to the fullest. But, I have to do more than say it. I have to live as if that is what I want.