Midterms

My first midterm in 20 yrs. My first real test. Not a quiz. A test. For some reason, I do not put quiz and test in the same category. A quiz will make me nervous for 2 seconds, because it is announced and given. No thought in the matter. You comply. A test, on the other hand is something that is coming, and you know about it. You have time to study, worry, fret, shake, throw up, or like me, just become nauseous. You have time to think about whether you have studied enough, listened intently enough, and retained enough.

I believe in a God who blesses us when we do OUR part. I have strived to live this principle my whole life. I believe that through my hard work, success will be my reward.

As far as success goes, what is it, and how do you define it?

When I was in school as a teenager, and then in college before I got married, my success was defined as the grade I got. It showed how well I studied and retained. The grade determined my success. As a perfectionist, an "A" was success, and anything else was failure. I don't know where this thinking came into play, but I was not as happy as I could've been in my life back then.

My wonderful counselor has shown me a new way of thinking. A happier way. A better way. He asked me the question, "When you came to see me, did you know what grades I had gotten to obtain my degree?" I said, "No." Then he replied, "If you knew I had gotten a couple of "C's" in my classes, would it have made a difference whether you would've kept seeing me or not?" Of course my answer was another "No".

So with that came a new attitude about school. "Go, and have fun learning." he said. "Do your best, and you will be blessed." Heavenly Father does not let hard work go unrewarded. So if I live by this standard, then I can do anything but fail.

As my wise counselor said, "Even 90% is still an "A".

It doesn't have to be 100% or nothing. We are not meant to be perfect in this life. Only to strive for it.

Sodom & Gomorrah

I went to a fireside last Sunday and had the priviledge of listening to a BYU professor of religion. He was an awesome speaker.

One of his points was: "Let the past go, celebrate the present, and look to the future with an optimism born of the spirit."

He told the story of a colleauge who, when he was a bishop, was able to see a young lady who had sinned, and then followed all the steps of repentance, but could not seem to forgive herself. I personally think this is the hardest step. He told her to go home and read the scripture story of "Sodom & Gomorrah" and to come back to him and tell him what she learned from it. She comes back to the bishop and tells him that she learned, "When you sin, you are destroyed." The bishop says, "No! That is not the lesson I wanted you to learn." She then asked, "Well what then?" He came back with a resounding "Don't look back!"

How come it is so hard not to look back? My husband always says he hates it when I bring up past mistakes. His especially. Sometimes it is hard for me to let go. All my past mistakes as a mother are probably the hardest. Before I was in therapy, I was not doing a good job at motherhood. I still feel guilty about that. I even said to my therapist that I hope my kids forgive me for that. He said they will when they have children of their own.

So, one of the last things he said was, "God cares more about your direction than your location." He also said we need to concentrate more on our aim instead of the target. If we are taking aim and working to improve it, we will hit the target.

We know the outcome of this world. God will win. No matter how wicked it gets, or how many of our dear brothers and sisters choose wickedness, God will win! Since we know the outcome, will we be able to work harder on our aim? Yes! At least I know I will be trying.

It depends on how you look at it

I have a tendency to make things bigger that they really are. Some would call it blowing things out of proportion. Making a mountain out of a mole hill. You get the point. My friend gave me the analogy of holding my opened hand up to my nose. When I did this, all I could see was my hand. Then he told me to pull my hand back until my arm was straight. I could still see my hand, but it was smaller. And I could see other things too. I'm just a bit too good at holding my hand to my face. When I have a problem, that's all I see. When in reality, the problem really isn't so big it can't be solved. And there is still plenty of enjoyment in life to help us through the trial. The problem is there, that's the fact. But, it is not the only thing in my life. I have so many blessings, that when I hold my hand (ie. problem) up to my nose, I forget to be grateful. I neglect all the good I really do have in my life. I forget that God gave me a brain to problem solve. I am using my brain to freak out. What a waste of good brain.

Another analogy I love,is looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. I refer to this often in my mind because I am trying to learn that trials are only part of our lives. I am me because of what I have learned from my trials, but also what I have learned from being a human being, working, loving, being faithful, being obedient, being a wife, companion, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. All of these shape who I am.

"The only difference between stepping stones and stumbling blocks is the way you use them."

My brain really does still work!

It has been a week and a half since my school started. At first I was so filled with anxiety I wanted to throw up every morning. I took my first test on the first day of class to see if I qualify to be in that class. I had to wait 2 days for the results. Two difficult, anxiety filled days. But, I made it. I made it through the anxiety, and into the class. Barely, but even barely is still good enough. Now, I am getting into the groove and learning and re-learning a lot about music already. It has been a much better couple of days now.

I have to say, it is weird being the oldest student in all of my classes. The teachers are older, but the next oldest student is about 23.

Well, I love the classes. My brain feels otherwise, but is getting forced back into memorizing, and taking in new information. This actually feels like a muscle being worked....Hard! But, I can feel the difference in just a week and a half.

So, I plug forward with cautious optimism, that all will be well. I asked my dh what another word could be for cautious optimism. He couldn't find the one I was looking for. My word? Humility...being teachable.

My brain has a lot of learning to do, and yes, I can finally say, "My brain really does still work!"

Daily struggle to save myself

The last two weeks have been overwhelming. Summer break for the kids is officially over tomorrow. I have been on the edge with my own prospects of going back to school and having to get them ready at the same time. Let me just start by saying how much I love my children. They are good kids. They all pretty much enjoy the whole school experience. They work hard. Haven't had a sluffer in the bunch yet. But, summer is a different story. By the end I have had enough of motherhood. I wonder if I should've had this many children. I wonder if I can handle it. Well, it's too late for those kind of questions. My therapist says I am walking up a mountain, then sitting there wondering why I'm where I'm at, and waiting for someone to save me from my misery. He told me it's all about avoidance. I'm avoiding problem solving, because I'm in such a habit of thinking that avoiding my problems is easier than solving them. When I sit back and think rationally, I know that problem solving is much better and makes me a better mother. Problem solving is much more empowering that sitting at the top of that mountain feeling helpless and out of control. Remember the driver scenario. And, the wilderness analogy.

I was upset that I was doing it again, and my therapist said that "he" hasn't even figured it out yet. It is a lifelong process, and I am glad he is there to remind me about it.

Remember again...Life is a work in progress.
I will deal with this in a healthy way. Empowering myself with the tools I have been given will bring much greater joy than acting out "the helpless little girl" act over and over and over. I am not that little girl anymore.

I may be on top of a great mountain, but I will use the same strength to get back down.

Am I NUTS?

Some days I think I am. But right now, my life is filled with preparations for school. There are nine of us in our family. Eight of us are starting school on the 23rd.

I am returning to school after a 20 yr. break. Of course, it wasn't a break from learning. My classroom has been my home. My teachers have been my dh and my kids. My homework is a 24/7 task of nurturing, physical labor, and teaching.

This time is different. I will be returning to an actual classroom, at an actual college campus. And, I'll be doing this all while I continue my classes of motherhood and marriage.

So, while I may seem nuts, I'm happy. Happy to learn more. Happy to fulfill a dream of getting a college education. Happy to teach my children how important it is to gain a higher education.

Knowledge is power, and I feel the power!

This mother shouldn't go to Boy Scout Camp

My 13 yr. old son has a bully. Right in his own scout troop. This kid gets a kick out of calling my son names and playing tricks on him. I knew this going into the scout camp adventure for him, but we talked to him and hoped he would stand up for himself. He has inherited my sensitivity. Sometimes I feel sad about that. He has more girl friends, than boy friends. But then I think...This is not a disease!! He is a good boy. He is funny. He is nice. He treats others very well. Okay, he's not perfect, but overall, he isn't your macho, never cry, tough guy.

So, family night comes up on Friday at scout camp and my dh and I decide to go up and visit. When I get up there, after the program, he looks so sad. I ask him what is wrong, even though I already know, and he breaks down. This bully laid it on pretty thick with the insults and teasing for the week.

What do you think my reaction was? This is a no brainer! Remember, I am the mother bear, and I will do anything to protect my cub.

Well, I went to the leaders and said something. But, because of my anxiety issues, I broke down like a baby myself. Probably embarrased my son even more than he already was from all the taunting. I do have a bit of compassion for the bully. The leaders said he is mean to everyone. They have talked to him. He continues to do it. My friends say I should talk to the parents, but I have heard that can only make it worse. Besides, the parents were reamed last year from how their boy acted at camp. Argh!

So, I spent the rest of the night wondering if I had done the right thing. Am I babying my son too much? I believe that when a parent sends their child off somewhere, they should be able to know that their child will be protected, and feel safe and loved. I also believe that a child has to learn how to deal with and problem solve issues in the world. That's what all these lessons in life are supposed to teach us.

I don't think this will stop him from participating in the scouting program. He loves his leaders. He loves the program. He loves camping. He will learn good things from these experiences. I have to trust in that. He knows he has a good family support system.

"You recommended it yourself"

My dh works with people who are in a 60-90 day unit which gives recommendations for prison time or rehab to the judge for sentencing. Today, two of the ladies he recommended for prison were on their way back from court as my dh was walking out the door. One of the ladies couldn't even look at him. But the other said to him, "You recommended me for prison time?" Then my dh says back to her, "No, YOU, recommended you for prison time." She didn't say a word after that.

Her history was one of broken probations and little regard for the law. She had been given more than one chance. She blew it.

What my dh said today really impacted me. We do recommend the lives we live. We choose. When Heavenly Father gives us one chance after another, and we choose wrong, we have recommended misery for ourselves.

I recommend that I live my life to the fullest. But, I have to do more than say it. I have to live as if that is what I want.