Daily struggle to save myself

The last two weeks have been overwhelming. Summer break for the kids is officially over tomorrow. I have been on the edge with my own prospects of going back to school and having to get them ready at the same time. Let me just start by saying how much I love my children. They are good kids. They all pretty much enjoy the whole school experience. They work hard. Haven't had a sluffer in the bunch yet. But, summer is a different story. By the end I have had enough of motherhood. I wonder if I should've had this many children. I wonder if I can handle it. Well, it's too late for those kind of questions. My therapist says I am walking up a mountain, then sitting there wondering why I'm where I'm at, and waiting for someone to save me from my misery. He told me it's all about avoidance. I'm avoiding problem solving, because I'm in such a habit of thinking that avoiding my problems is easier than solving them. When I sit back and think rationally, I know that problem solving is much better and makes me a better mother. Problem solving is much more empowering that sitting at the top of that mountain feeling helpless and out of control. Remember the driver scenario. And, the wilderness analogy.

I was upset that I was doing it again, and my therapist said that "he" hasn't even figured it out yet. It is a lifelong process, and I am glad he is there to remind me about it.

Remember again...Life is a work in progress.
I will deal with this in a healthy way. Empowering myself with the tools I have been given will bring much greater joy than acting out "the helpless little girl" act over and over and over. I am not that little girl anymore.

I may be on top of a great mountain, but I will use the same strength to get back down.

Am I NUTS?

Some days I think I am. But right now, my life is filled with preparations for school. There are nine of us in our family. Eight of us are starting school on the 23rd.

I am returning to school after a 20 yr. break. Of course, it wasn't a break from learning. My classroom has been my home. My teachers have been my dh and my kids. My homework is a 24/7 task of nurturing, physical labor, and teaching.

This time is different. I will be returning to an actual classroom, at an actual college campus. And, I'll be doing this all while I continue my classes of motherhood and marriage.

So, while I may seem nuts, I'm happy. Happy to learn more. Happy to fulfill a dream of getting a college education. Happy to teach my children how important it is to gain a higher education.

Knowledge is power, and I feel the power!

This mother shouldn't go to Boy Scout Camp

My 13 yr. old son has a bully. Right in his own scout troop. This kid gets a kick out of calling my son names and playing tricks on him. I knew this going into the scout camp adventure for him, but we talked to him and hoped he would stand up for himself. He has inherited my sensitivity. Sometimes I feel sad about that. He has more girl friends, than boy friends. But then I think...This is not a disease!! He is a good boy. He is funny. He is nice. He treats others very well. Okay, he's not perfect, but overall, he isn't your macho, never cry, tough guy.

So, family night comes up on Friday at scout camp and my dh and I decide to go up and visit. When I get up there, after the program, he looks so sad. I ask him what is wrong, even though I already know, and he breaks down. This bully laid it on pretty thick with the insults and teasing for the week.

What do you think my reaction was? This is a no brainer! Remember, I am the mother bear, and I will do anything to protect my cub.

Well, I went to the leaders and said something. But, because of my anxiety issues, I broke down like a baby myself. Probably embarrased my son even more than he already was from all the taunting. I do have a bit of compassion for the bully. The leaders said he is mean to everyone. They have talked to him. He continues to do it. My friends say I should talk to the parents, but I have heard that can only make it worse. Besides, the parents were reamed last year from how their boy acted at camp. Argh!

So, I spent the rest of the night wondering if I had done the right thing. Am I babying my son too much? I believe that when a parent sends their child off somewhere, they should be able to know that their child will be protected, and feel safe and loved. I also believe that a child has to learn how to deal with and problem solve issues in the world. That's what all these lessons in life are supposed to teach us.

I don't think this will stop him from participating in the scouting program. He loves his leaders. He loves the program. He loves camping. He will learn good things from these experiences. I have to trust in that. He knows he has a good family support system.

"You recommended it yourself"

My dh works with people who are in a 60-90 day unit which gives recommendations for prison time or rehab to the judge for sentencing. Today, two of the ladies he recommended for prison were on their way back from court as my dh was walking out the door. One of the ladies couldn't even look at him. But the other said to him, "You recommended me for prison time?" Then my dh says back to her, "No, YOU, recommended you for prison time." She didn't say a word after that.

Her history was one of broken probations and little regard for the law. She had been given more than one chance. She blew it.

What my dh said today really impacted me. We do recommend the lives we live. We choose. When Heavenly Father gives us one chance after another, and we choose wrong, we have recommended misery for ourselves.

I recommend that I live my life to the fullest. But, I have to do more than say it. I have to live as if that is what I want.

Trying not to forget

After a week and a half, I finally got to go to water aerobics again. Dr. says no other kind of exercise for a month. I'm just glad to get my body moving again. I really did miss it!

The weekend was filled with work and fun. On Sunday we went to my nephew's homecoming talk and then to my sisters home for dinner. It was great to be with family. I always enjoy the get togethers with them. Now that my great nephew has been born, we have 4 generations at our gatherings. It is so wonderful to see the family grow.

As we were getting in the car to go to my sisters, our car wouldn't start. It was hard not to go into that victim mode I'm so famous for. But, I worked through my discouragement and moved on to have a good day. My husband thinks it's the starter motor. All I know is the car started today. So weird.

Today is a good day, although I'm a bit overwhelmed at the condition of my home since I've been down for the last 10 days. I have to get over the worry. The house will always be here and always need to be tidied. The cleanliness of my home does not define who I am.

"Life is a work in progress!!"

On the right track again

After my counseling visit yesterday, I am on a high. I finally feel like I'm on the right track again. I still have a lot of work to do going down that track, but at least I now feel like I'm pointed in the right direction.

I am working on not depending on what other's think of me to give me value, or confidence. I need to find that within myself. I have had a peek, and I like it. I like feeling good about myself. Within that process, I will become a more efficient, happier, content human being.

Something I heard on the show "Starting Over" was when Allison asked the life coach if whe will ever be cured of this, and the answer was, "Life is a work in progress."

There will always be ups and downs. There will always be something to overcome or work through.

So, I've told my husband whenever I get asking the same questions about ever being normal again, or being rid of this chaos in my mind, etc. etc., to remind me that "Life is a work in progress."

The Hero lies in me

You know the song by Mariah Carey, talking about the hero within us?

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand For you to hold
You can find love If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone Tear them away
Hold on There will be tomorrow
In time You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you



It all goes back to me looking for hero's to save me, while all the time the hero lies in me.

I just have to find that hero in me.

The show "Starting Over"

I tend to back away from reality shows, but the show Starting Over has really peaked my interest. Maybe because I can relate. I just wish it didn't come on at such a bad time for me to watch t.v. But today I watched and I'm glad I did.

This week I see my therapist and my homework was to look for areas in my life where I tend to look for someone to save me. Then I was suppose to problem solve on my own. Basically, stop playing a victim and save myself. I was also suppose to let my adult self nurture my child self. I missed nurturing when I was a child. Sometimes I turn into that little child and want to be nurtured. But, I am an adult now and need to handle things as an adult. I can nurture my inner self. Man, this has been hard!!

Today's show with Allison really hit me hard, because I have been playing the "victim" role for so many years of my life. I loved the exercise with victim labeling. Then throwing them into the ocean. That was powerful. I am way too much like Allison. When I look at her and her life, I feel like I'm looking into a mirror.

So, I am going to write down my victim labels so that I will be accountable for them.

1. Terminally ill, dying, dead mother
2. No childhood, had to grow up too fast
3. Overweight
4. Not good enough
5. Not smart enough
6. High expectations
7. Not worthy of something better
8. Not financially smart

I really liked what it all boils down to: "I worry too much about what others think" I question my own importance in the world. I rely to much on the approval of others.

Way too many excuses holding me back from who I really am and who I can become. I need to believe this! I NEED TO!!

Today's show was amazing. Now I need to continue to process all this info.