Thoughts for the day

These have really uplifted me this week:




"A miracle is not the suspension of a natural law,
but the operation of a higher law."

"Experience is what you get when you don't get
what you want."

I am learning new stuff everyday...

School has been very difficult this semester which adds a lot of stress to my life, but I have to keep saying "I think I can" because I know it will be worth it in the end!

Having depression and anxiety in my life tends to make it, and everything else, even more challenging, but I know there's a purpose in everything and I am trying to find it. It has definitely made my perspectives on life and in the gospel more understanding and open to what Heavenly Father understands and what I understand. He knows all and I don't. This is definitely making me a less judgemental person, and that alone is a miracle. I have seen growth in the struggle and today I'm in a good place. I can't tell what tomorrow will bring, but I do know one thing....that whatever it is, If I give it to my Father in Heaven, after all I can do, he will be there. I have learned so much about "grace" and the part it needs to play in my life. I just have to remember that Heavenly Father knows what He's doing and when I put my trust in Him, it all works together for good.

My life in a nutshell...

1. School is dang hard this semester. (I don't know why I need another challenge?!?!)

2. I've finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up....I'm changing my major to........Social Work. I'm finally goin' for the Bachelors.

3. I still love music, passionately, and it was a good thing to start back to school with. I will still take classes in music for fun, but it really was never what I wanted to do as a career.

4. Halloween was a blast this year. Our school had a fall fest which the kids loved and trick-or-treating was so easy with older kids and great weather.

5. Pmdd still sucks and I'm still struggling with finding a good mix of meds, but I'm finally coming to acceptance and I feel freer. It's all about accepting my limitations and realizing I'm still a good person.

6. My kids are all happy in school and that's makes my life easier.

7. My house is mess because so much of my energy is going to school. Oh well.

8. YW's keeps me busy in all the extra time I might have otherwise. But, I love it!

Life moves forward quickly and I look forward to Thanksgiving... spending time with family, eating good food, and no expections. Just togetherness!

It's been too long!

But summer has kept me from being on the computer a whole lot. Plus, my life hasn't been exciting enough to blog anything.

School starts in a week for the kids and I will have all my kids in school ALL day for the first time ever. That's 20 yrs. of always having at least 1 kid home with me. I am excited for this new phase of life, but it is bittersweet. Everytime I see a baby I miss having a baby. But, I also am glad that I don't have bottles, diapers, strollers, baby bags, car seats, and cribs anymore. My dh and I are feeling a new found independence. It is still weird though. My baby is going to be in 1st grade!!!! WOW!!!

My two oldest dd's and I start college the day after the other kids. I am excited! I'm taking Advanced Music Theory, Music in the Elementary school, private piano instruction, Acapella Choir, and Fitness for life, my last PE credit. Then I'm taking one institute class.

Other than that, life has been hard. I have changed meds for my pmdd and it has been hard on my body, but I can feel it getting somewhat better. I think changing meds will be good eventually, but the initial start up has whipped my butt. I read a story about a woman with bipolar and it took her 17 yrs. to find the right mix for her. 17 yrs. of hell to find relief. I don't know if I can handle much more of this rollercoaster ride of pmdd. I know I am still in denial about giving in to the limitations of this disease and making the best of it. I still find myself in the "life's not fair, why me" thinking a lot of the time, which I know is not good to my mental health. I just need to accept this new path and do what I can to make the best of it. People are doing it everyday. I just can't seem to get it. School will help me feel productive, so that will be good.

Wow, this is me for sure!

You Are a Turkey Sandwich

Conservative and a bit shy, you tend to stick with what you know and trust. You are very introverted, and you prefer to blend in whenever possible. Though you may be hard to know well, anyone who does know you considers you a true friend. Your best friend: The Ham Sandwich Your mortal enemy: The Tuna Fish Sandwich

What Kind of Sandwich Are You?

Two posts in one day....WOW!

I've never done this before, but I wanted to post about the last week. The 4-5 days after Kylie's death were very difficult emotionally, but I was able to talk and work it out with a lot of people while I awaited my visit with my therapist on Monday. This visit was very good!

I also was able to visit with some friends that knew Kylie and that was very theraputic. We sent messages in balloons up to the heavens for Kylie.

So, all in all things are better and I am hoping my meds work better for this next month concerning my pmdd.

I will also be absent next week for Young Womens Girls Camp. This will be my 6th year. It has been a ride!

Celebrating 21 yrs. of marriage

Today is the day. I am so grateful for my dear sweet husband for staying by my side for the last 21 yrs. And I am also grateful for my committment to him. I feel like our lives together have brought a lot of joy, love, trust, and of course hardship. The hardships have taught us many great life lessons, so I cannot be ungrateful for them. Our children are now 20, 18, 16, 14, 11, 8 and 6. We have 2 graduated from HS now and on to college and life. We have grey hairs and many wrinkles to prove our growth and maturity through the years. LOL! We've both pledged to age gracefully, but I'm getting to the point where coloring my hair is becoming an option. heehee!

All I know now is that this life has been more bearable with him in it. Life has been brighter with his love for me AND my love for him. I am excited for the next 21 and more yrs. with him!!!

Life is HARD!

Kylie is gone. I can't stand it! I feel betrayed, only because the feelings of my mom's own attempt at suicide when I was 17 hurt so much. Too many memories surfacing that I haven't felt in a long time. One of the biggest things that has kept me from following through with any of my own depressed, suicidal thoughts is the way I felt as the child/loved one hurt by the mere attempt by my own mother. I hated her for doing that to us. We loved her so much and she still tried to leave us. I don't want to do that to my own family. But what if things get so bad that I can't think of anything else? I know Kylie loved her family!! I learned over time and with some maturity that my own mother loved us!! But, it still hurts so much that someone can get into a situation where suicide is the only answer. I don't ever want to arrive at that point! I can't even believe I've ever thought about wanting to come to that point. Depression stinks! I hate it! I want to fight it, but I get so tired some days and it becomes so easy to want to give up. It scares me to even think about it! I am praying so hard that this medicine will help me. I want to be me again! Here I went through all this counseling and thought I was going to be okay, and now this hormonal crap!

There's a lesson in this, I know, but I still hate what it's doing to me!

I love you Kylie and pray you have found peace!