Trying not to forget

After a week and a half, I finally got to go to water aerobics again. Dr. says no other kind of exercise for a month. I'm just glad to get my body moving again. I really did miss it!

The weekend was filled with work and fun. On Sunday we went to my nephew's homecoming talk and then to my sisters home for dinner. It was great to be with family. I always enjoy the get togethers with them. Now that my great nephew has been born, we have 4 generations at our gatherings. It is so wonderful to see the family grow.

As we were getting in the car to go to my sisters, our car wouldn't start. It was hard not to go into that victim mode I'm so famous for. But, I worked through my discouragement and moved on to have a good day. My husband thinks it's the starter motor. All I know is the car started today. So weird.

Today is a good day, although I'm a bit overwhelmed at the condition of my home since I've been down for the last 10 days. I have to get over the worry. The house will always be here and always need to be tidied. The cleanliness of my home does not define who I am.

"Life is a work in progress!!"

On the right track again

After my counseling visit yesterday, I am on a high. I finally feel like I'm on the right track again. I still have a lot of work to do going down that track, but at least I now feel like I'm pointed in the right direction.

I am working on not depending on what other's think of me to give me value, or confidence. I need to find that within myself. I have had a peek, and I like it. I like feeling good about myself. Within that process, I will become a more efficient, happier, content human being.

Something I heard on the show "Starting Over" was when Allison asked the life coach if whe will ever be cured of this, and the answer was, "Life is a work in progress."

There will always be ups and downs. There will always be something to overcome or work through.

So, I've told my husband whenever I get asking the same questions about ever being normal again, or being rid of this chaos in my mind, etc. etc., to remind me that "Life is a work in progress."

The Hero lies in me

You know the song by Mariah Carey, talking about the hero within us?

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand For you to hold
You can find love If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone Tear them away
Hold on There will be tomorrow
In time You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you



It all goes back to me looking for hero's to save me, while all the time the hero lies in me.

I just have to find that hero in me.

The show "Starting Over"

I tend to back away from reality shows, but the show Starting Over has really peaked my interest. Maybe because I can relate. I just wish it didn't come on at such a bad time for me to watch t.v. But today I watched and I'm glad I did.

This week I see my therapist and my homework was to look for areas in my life where I tend to look for someone to save me. Then I was suppose to problem solve on my own. Basically, stop playing a victim and save myself. I was also suppose to let my adult self nurture my child self. I missed nurturing when I was a child. Sometimes I turn into that little child and want to be nurtured. But, I am an adult now and need to handle things as an adult. I can nurture my inner self. Man, this has been hard!!

Today's show with Allison really hit me hard, because I have been playing the "victim" role for so many years of my life. I loved the exercise with victim labeling. Then throwing them into the ocean. That was powerful. I am way too much like Allison. When I look at her and her life, I feel like I'm looking into a mirror.

So, I am going to write down my victim labels so that I will be accountable for them.

1. Terminally ill, dying, dead mother
2. No childhood, had to grow up too fast
3. Overweight
4. Not good enough
5. Not smart enough
6. High expectations
7. Not worthy of something better
8. Not financially smart

I really liked what it all boils down to: "I worry too much about what others think" I question my own importance in the world. I rely to much on the approval of others.

Way too many excuses holding me back from who I really am and who I can become. I need to believe this! I NEED TO!!

Today's show was amazing. Now I need to continue to process all this info.

What do you get when you're 41 yrs. old and you play tag with a bunch of 12-18 yr. old kids?

You get fun, satisfaction, and joy over the fact that as an older woman, you can still have fun. Then, as you're running off the field, you feel a pop in your leg and you can no longer walk.

Pain, ice and a dr. visit revealed I had torn my calve muscle. Great! 3-4 days bedrest and 3-4 weeks of complete healing. This is the part of the rollercoaster that isn't so much fun. I've already left my husband alone to care for our family of 7 kids while I went off to Youth conference for 2 days, and then Girls Camp for 4 days. Now, his homemaking and childcare skills are really being tested. I don't know how many times I've already said "I'm sorry" to him in the last 4 days.

But, that is the beauty of marriage. When one suffers, the other is there to compensate. I wouldn't choose any other way.

I love him!

How fast I forget

I watched my friends 2 yo little boy today, and it felt like a whole new experience. My baby is 5 yo now and how quickly time goes by. I have forgotten. Forgotten how often a diaper needs to be changed. Forgotten how fast they get into things. Forgotten how much more you have to watch a toddler than you do a 5 yo. Forgotten about "naptime", bottles, and kids putting stuff into their mouths.

I am moving on to a new phase in life. No more babies, no more bottles, no more carseats, and no more diapers. I have to admit that it is bittersweet. I love having more freedom, yet I love cute little babies, little fingers, little toes, snuggles with a bottle, and naps.

Here I am the luckiest mom in the world, yet I get to hear at least a few times daily how much my children dislike me. Babies don't do that. I get to hear my cute little boy call his 19 yo sister a "butthead". Babies don't do that. I get to watch angelic children turn into hideous monsters. Babies don't do that.

So as I move into this new phase, I have to learn the new tricks of the new trade....My children help eachother, they nurture eachother, they laugh together, they play together. New joys to be had, new love to be shared.

Being a mother to teenagers and little children can be tough. It's different than being a mother to babies. But, there is always good and bad to both. So I seek new knowledge, and new hope that I will continue to be the mother that my children desire and will someday say to me, "Thank you for all you did for us growing up, we love you."

I love my kids so much! They are my greatest challenges, yet my greatest joys in life.

Knowledge is power

April 28, 1842
Nauvoo, Illinois
Joseph Smith

"We are all responsible to God
for the manner we improve the light and wisdom
given by our Lord to enable us to save ourselves."

Going to counseling has been one of the best educations I have received to date. Marriage and motherhood would be my other two. I feel like I should have a diploma for all the hard work I have done. But I have something better than a diploma...the improvement in my life. It is living proof that I have gained an important education. Who does not want to better themselves? Who does not want to improve their circumstance mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually?

5 yrs. ago I was miserable. I didn't want improvement, I wanted to die. I had all the good that life can offer, yet I felt nothing. Nothing but dread, misery, unhappiness. However you put it, I had hit rock bottom. Life brought no joy. I gave up trying to find it.

Heavenly Father had a better plan for me. I knew it. He did not forsake me. I was led to a kind and loving counselor who got me started on the path to LIFE. I had been blessed with a husband who loved me and stuck by me no matter how miserable I was. And believe me, I shared plenty of miserable with him.

So why was I given another chance at life? Because I prayed. Quite fervently in fact. I had lost my fervor for life, but I had one last plea left in me and I used it. I am told that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle. This life experience is proof of that. I would've preferred not to hit rock bottom, but my ascent to the top was a lesson I wouldn't pass up for all the happiness in the world.

Can gratitude change our lives?

One of things that has most affected my life is playing the victim role. I've spent way too much time in the "Life is not fair" mode. Most of my life in fact. Well, since seeking counseling, I have learned a new way of thinking. A way of thinking that tells me life is fair, life is good, I am NOT a victim.

Reminds me of the analogy of driving the car to a certain destination. Lets say I want to go to Salt Lake City, but I miss the exit and end up in Bountiful. I could choose to gripe, complain, and blame many things for my circumstance. But...if I would just take the time to look down and see whose hands are on the steering wheel then I could realize that I am the driver. My hands are on the steering wheel. I can turn around and go back and still get to Salt Lake, or I could go into Bountiful and see all the many great things to see there. It's my choice. My decision.

So it is with gratitude. I can choose to look at all the things I live without, or I can wake up every day and give thanks to my Father in Heaven for all he has given me. I am truly blessed. I have seen more happiness, more contentment, and more peace with this attitude.

I do still find myself thinking "why me?" every now and then. You can't change 40 yrs of thinking one way in one day. It takes time, but it's worth it. I am a much better person this way. I find myself enjoying many more things in life with gratitude as my friend. I'm learning to ask myself "What can I do about it?" instead of "Why me?" I have been a much more productive person this way. A much better wife, mother, and friend.

Choose to Love...rather than hate.
Choose to laugh...rather than cry.
Choose to create...rather than destroy.
Choose to persevere...rather than quit.
Choose to praise...rather than gossip.
Choose to heal...rather than wound.
Choose to give...rather than steal.
Choose to act...rather than procrastinate.
Choose to pray...rather than curse.
Choose to live ...rather than die.
Og Mandino

"Choose the light of the Lord.
Choose to seek knowledge.
Choose the light of love in your life.
Choose to live by the light of the Spirit."
Joseph B Wirthlin

The wilderness

How would I react if I was in the wilderness alone? Would I fight to survive? Or, would I choose to give up and die? Would I wine and complain? Or, would I problem solve? These are questions all of us must ask ourselves. We must learn to save ourselves.

If we sit around waiting for someone else to save us, make us happy, make life perfect, or fix us, then we are sadly going to be disappointed. We must be teachable, so then we can be taught. We must allow ourselves to learn so we can empower ourselves against the lone and dreary wilderness. Of course I am talking figuratively. The world can be a lone and dreary place. I know, because I live with 8 other people and I can still feel very alone. I am loved and I can still feel alone.

I have great reason why I need to learn how to survive. Because it's worth it! Too many great lessons to be learned, too many people to love, and too much love yet to be shared with me. I have all these things and want to live and have passion for life. This is what a loving Heavenly Father has intended for all of us.

I have been waiting too long for someone to rescue me from my sadness, rescue me from all the wrongs done to me in my life, rescue me from not feeling good enough as a human being. A very wise person has told me that no one will rescue me. Real life is not hollywood. There is no knight in shining armor on a white horse.

I need to be the one to find within myself the strength and the happiness that does exist. I will learn this!

7 great kids

I am blessed!

This was taken almost 2 yrs. ago.

They've already changed so much!

What my children have taught me.

They have taught me patience, unconditional love, forgiveness, flexibility, and how to have fun. I had a very serious childhood. My mother had breast cancer when I was 5. She was then diagnosed with bone cancer when I was around the age of 10. Given 6 months to live. She lived with the effects of this cancer until I was 27, when she passed on due to complications of surgery on her bowel, which they said were complications due to fighting the cancer for so many years. Her body would not heal. It was plain worn out.

My childhood consisted of wondering how long she would be around. I had to grow up pretty fast. I think I went from being 10 to adulthood right then and there. I hated my teenage yrs. Too much stress. Can the fun that was missed, be made up? I'm working on that!

I love the movie "Parenthood"

Up, down, up, down
Oh, what a ride!

It was just interesting to me,
that a ride could make me so,
so frightened, so scared, so sick,
so excited and so thrilled all together.

Some didn't like it,
they went on the Merry-go-round.
That just goes around...nothing.
I like the rollercoaster.
You get more out of it.

The rollercoaster of life has taken on a new meaning to me in the last 8 yrs. I married a man, 20 yrs. ago, who is so easy going. Things slide like water off a ducks back for him. I was totally opposite. Serious, perfectionist, absolutely NOT flexible. I have learned so much from this wonderful man. We have worked so beautifully together, because we have taught eachother so much. I have tightened him up and he has loosened me up. I laugh now. I love like I've never allowed myself to love before. The love of my life has taught me what it means to have passion for life.