It's time to be done

These were some of the last words from my therapist yesterday. These are difficult words to hear. I knew counseling was coming to a close. I felt it. I knew I was feeling better. But, it is still difficult to hear. So, now I am on an "If" and "When" basis. If I need it, or when I need it. I'm sure I'll need a tune-up every now and then. It can be easy to forget. This was my second stint with him. He has certainly blessed my life with so much knowledge of something better.

My pmdd this month was bearable, mostly because I knew and accepted the signs and did not play a victim to them. I am currently waiting to see a gynecologist that may be able to help me a bit more than my family doctor. I need something more, whether it be a med change or hormone therapy. I just know that there must be a doctor out there with more knowledge and more help. I feel it.

Finals done and Christmas is almost here

I have been so busy with school, YW's, and family that I have hardly been on the computer. Now that Christmas is coming, I have been shopping, and tackling hordes of people and traffic. That's what you get when you procrastinate.

Things are going well, finals went great, but included plenty of stress. I'm still waiting on grades. New term starts January 4th. I like this school thing!

PMDD is still a daily mental and physical challenge and I am seeing a Gynecologist after the holidays. Thinking about looking into other meds that might work better for me.

Happy Holidays!

Now that I have said it out loud...

I am getting to where I can get over the victimization and the anger of it.

"Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder.".

I told a friend last night. One down, many more to go. I need to get this out and talk about it. I need to know that I can deal with this. I need to admit that I have a trial and that it will improve my life if I will let it teach me.

My therapist said the other day...

"Trials/struggles, are the schoolmasters of our lives. They are meant to teach us."

He also said that Heavenly Father didn't just say one day, "Oh, I think I'll give Leah Premenstual Disphoric Disorder." No, this is part of the plan. We are given weakness to make us strong. To remind us to turn to God. To make us humble. To keep us from being too prideful. Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. And, he is teaching me to know what I'm doing. Or, to know what I should be doing!

I need to take my own advice that I once shared with a friend after she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. "This is not a death sentence." She is alive and well today. I am alive and well today.

I can do this!

Biggest thing to work on...Turn to HIM! Trust in HIM! Trust in HIS plan!

Chronic conditions: What do they teach us?

I have been struggling this month. I'm struggling to accept that my chronic pms for the last 10 yrs. has gotten worse and now I am fighting pmdd...Prementrual Disphoric Disorder. Every month it is there staring me in the face, giving my life more challenge than I can sometimes handle. Or maybe I should say accept. It has gotten to the point where it is affecting my life and pulling me down. I hate it. My doctor has upped my meds through a 2 week period every month, and that has helped. Plus exercise. Now that's a problem. I know it can help me feel better, but on days that I feel like crap, that is the first thing to go. I'm learning that it has nothing to do with motivation. I feel crummy. Who goes and exercises when they feel crummy. It's hard enough with mybusy life to fit in exercise and I'm pretty good about getting in at least 3 days a week, but when my pmdd hits, I wake up tired, fatigued, discouraged. 3 of the biggest ways to kill motivation. Then you have to add insomnia, headaches, etc. etc. The list goes on unfortunately. For me I have about 80% of pmdd symptoms. To learn more: http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/uvahealth/adult_women/pmdd.cfm

So, what do I need to learn?
*Patience, to accept what I'm dealt and make the best of it.
*To take care of "me" Not to forget that I'm not only a mother, wife, and friend, but I'm Leah and I need to be good to myself during this struggle.
*To adjust, be flexible...life, schedule, and patience during this period every month.
*That it IS okay! I am an okay person. I am working hard to be strong through this. I am working hard to make this a part of everyday life and accept it. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I have a supportive family! My dh helps enormously. His compassion to my struggles is the best blessing I could ask for through all of this.
*I CAN DO THIS! Remember always, that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle. That does not mean he will not stretch us, or teach us that we are stronger than we think.
*There is HOPE! Hope that God will help me! I love him and trust in his great concern for our welfare.

Music theory has many life parallels

That last few weeks we have been doing a lot of assignments in music theory where we are given the soprano line and then we have to write 4 measures of 4 part harmony, with all the rules from the common practice period. I still am not quite sure of my knowledge of what the common practice period is, but I do know there are rules to follow. You can't write a piece of harmony with only a good ear. You need direction. Guidelines. Rules that make the harmony stronger.

Just like life. We are sent here as an infant, and we grow in steps. Learning from those who have already gone through the experience. Who have practiced daily the guidelines of life. Who seek for direction from an all seeing God. All of this to make our lives richer, stronger, and in harmony with all that surrounds us.

My teacher keeps reminding us that all this learning will pay off. He can harmonize a line in about 4 minutes. The last three assignments have taken me about 3 hours each. For four measures! I'm am in the infant stages of learning. He has been doing this for at least 30 yrs.

Just like life. You don't feed an infant a steak. A baby isn't born walking. Roll over, scoot, crawl, walk. This is what I am learning in writing music. If I want it bad enough I will be patient with the roll over, scoot, crawl, and walk system. It will come. Just like all things in life that come through perseverance and dedication.

As our assignments are handed back to us, our teacher has used his "magic red pen," as he calls it, to mark our mistakes. As we do more assignments, the idea is to have less red each time. He grades us on participation, and improvement, not how many red marks we get each time.

Just like life. Heavenly Father sent us down here knowing we would make mistakes. But he also knew we would make better choices if we would follow his teachings. Our mistakes would become less and less as we progress. He knew this. My teacher knows this.

The more we practice these rules, or guidelines, the stronger and richer we will be

Next time you hear a good hymn, listen to how the harmonies blend together. Then, think about how beautiful your life can be when you strive for harmony with all God has intended for you.

Creatures of habit

I am definitely a creature of habit. I follow the same routine every morning: wake up, do the potty thing, put on the deoderant, brush my teeth, and take my medicine with two glasses of water. Then I wake up the kids and procede to the other bathroom to put on makeup and do my hair. When a shower is needed, I do that after the potty thing, and go right back to the same routine. Most mornings I don't have to even think about it unless I get up late. Then all heck breaks loose, and my mind seems to forget there is even such a thing as habit or routine. But, that is a whole other story.

Back to the point: Yesterday at church, and we have a routine for that one too, we walk in the normal 20 min. early to get our usual bench. The one we've had for almost 10 years. The bench that should have our family name ingraved on it. The one with ancient crumbs left over from when our 5 yo was going through the snack stage. Our bench. I know, not technically ours, but I'm parital to it. Partial to the habit of having my nice comfortable bench. Maybe I'm a bit OCD, but I like my bench! Again, to the point: My kids walked in to put their books on the bench to save it, because I was in the Library and my dh was doing Ward Clerk stuff. They left to go potty and get drinks, and when they came back someone was sitting on our bench. The one we saved. The one we always sit on. Now is the part that could be considered humorous...they come running out to me and say, "Mom, someone is sitting in our spot!" It just hit me that I'm not the only one that is partial to our bench! I felt the only thing that I could feel at that point: "Someone is sitting on our bench!" I was in shock. Even more humorous was the fact that other ward members made comments about us not getting our bench as we walked back to the overflow section to sit. Feeling dejected, as well as worrying about whose spot we were taking, another ward member comes up and says, "They left your spot, you can go sit there now." What? We can go sit on our bench? Really? What just happened? I don't know. Maybe the gal saw her friends and decided to go sit by them, but the warm feeling of going back to my comfortable spot was just enough to bring a smile to my face.

Silly? Yes. But think about it next time someone makes you change spots. We are all creatures of habit in some way.

Ahhh! It's Friday!

My first set of midterms is over. Two more next week. But, I am unbelieveably relieved. I got an "A" on my sight-singing test, and I will find out about my written on Tuesday.

It's date night, and I look forward to it every week. I don't even care what hubby and I do on our dates anymore, it's just much needed time with him...alone. I love it! It has been fundamental in our relationship. We have done it for so long now, that it wouldn't seem right to skip it. I see too many couples in my life that don't put each other and their marriage as a top priority. And they still wonder what's wrong with their marriage. My dh and I have always tried to put God and family first, and it has paid off. Marriage and family life is hard, full of challenges, and we need all the help we can get, so why not include God in that relationship? Our beliefs have been fundamental in keeping this family going. In keeping us good, hard working, honest individuals.

I am blessed. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I am learning to live to my full potential because of this "good news".

Remember, work hard and you will be blessed. Being married 20 yrs. and still counting is plenty of positive proof of that.

Midterms

My first midterm in 20 yrs. My first real test. Not a quiz. A test. For some reason, I do not put quiz and test in the same category. A quiz will make me nervous for 2 seconds, because it is announced and given. No thought in the matter. You comply. A test, on the other hand is something that is coming, and you know about it. You have time to study, worry, fret, shake, throw up, or like me, just become nauseous. You have time to think about whether you have studied enough, listened intently enough, and retained enough.

I believe in a God who blesses us when we do OUR part. I have strived to live this principle my whole life. I believe that through my hard work, success will be my reward.

As far as success goes, what is it, and how do you define it?

When I was in school as a teenager, and then in college before I got married, my success was defined as the grade I got. It showed how well I studied and retained. The grade determined my success. As a perfectionist, an "A" was success, and anything else was failure. I don't know where this thinking came into play, but I was not as happy as I could've been in my life back then.

My wonderful counselor has shown me a new way of thinking. A happier way. A better way. He asked me the question, "When you came to see me, did you know what grades I had gotten to obtain my degree?" I said, "No." Then he replied, "If you knew I had gotten a couple of "C's" in my classes, would it have made a difference whether you would've kept seeing me or not?" Of course my answer was another "No".

So with that came a new attitude about school. "Go, and have fun learning." he said. "Do your best, and you will be blessed." Heavenly Father does not let hard work go unrewarded. So if I live by this standard, then I can do anything but fail.

As my wise counselor said, "Even 90% is still an "A".

It doesn't have to be 100% or nothing. We are not meant to be perfect in this life. Only to strive for it.

Sodom & Gomorrah

I went to a fireside last Sunday and had the priviledge of listening to a BYU professor of religion. He was an awesome speaker.

One of his points was: "Let the past go, celebrate the present, and look to the future with an optimism born of the spirit."

He told the story of a colleauge who, when he was a bishop, was able to see a young lady who had sinned, and then followed all the steps of repentance, but could not seem to forgive herself. I personally think this is the hardest step. He told her to go home and read the scripture story of "Sodom & Gomorrah" and to come back to him and tell him what she learned from it. She comes back to the bishop and tells him that she learned, "When you sin, you are destroyed." The bishop says, "No! That is not the lesson I wanted you to learn." She then asked, "Well what then?" He came back with a resounding "Don't look back!"

How come it is so hard not to look back? My husband always says he hates it when I bring up past mistakes. His especially. Sometimes it is hard for me to let go. All my past mistakes as a mother are probably the hardest. Before I was in therapy, I was not doing a good job at motherhood. I still feel guilty about that. I even said to my therapist that I hope my kids forgive me for that. He said they will when they have children of their own.

So, one of the last things he said was, "God cares more about your direction than your location." He also said we need to concentrate more on our aim instead of the target. If we are taking aim and working to improve it, we will hit the target.

We know the outcome of this world. God will win. No matter how wicked it gets, or how many of our dear brothers and sisters choose wickedness, God will win! Since we know the outcome, will we be able to work harder on our aim? Yes! At least I know I will be trying.

It depends on how you look at it

I have a tendency to make things bigger that they really are. Some would call it blowing things out of proportion. Making a mountain out of a mole hill. You get the point. My friend gave me the analogy of holding my opened hand up to my nose. When I did this, all I could see was my hand. Then he told me to pull my hand back until my arm was straight. I could still see my hand, but it was smaller. And I could see other things too. I'm just a bit too good at holding my hand to my face. When I have a problem, that's all I see. When in reality, the problem really isn't so big it can't be solved. And there is still plenty of enjoyment in life to help us through the trial. The problem is there, that's the fact. But, it is not the only thing in my life. I have so many blessings, that when I hold my hand (ie. problem) up to my nose, I forget to be grateful. I neglect all the good I really do have in my life. I forget that God gave me a brain to problem solve. I am using my brain to freak out. What a waste of good brain.

Another analogy I love,is looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. I refer to this often in my mind because I am trying to learn that trials are only part of our lives. I am me because of what I have learned from my trials, but also what I have learned from being a human being, working, loving, being faithful, being obedient, being a wife, companion, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. All of these shape who I am.

"The only difference between stepping stones and stumbling blocks is the way you use them."

My brain really does still work!

It has been a week and a half since my school started. At first I was so filled with anxiety I wanted to throw up every morning. I took my first test on the first day of class to see if I qualify to be in that class. I had to wait 2 days for the results. Two difficult, anxiety filled days. But, I made it. I made it through the anxiety, and into the class. Barely, but even barely is still good enough. Now, I am getting into the groove and learning and re-learning a lot about music already. It has been a much better couple of days now.

I have to say, it is weird being the oldest student in all of my classes. The teachers are older, but the next oldest student is about 23.

Well, I love the classes. My brain feels otherwise, but is getting forced back into memorizing, and taking in new information. This actually feels like a muscle being worked....Hard! But, I can feel the difference in just a week and a half.

So, I plug forward with cautious optimism, that all will be well. I asked my dh what another word could be for cautious optimism. He couldn't find the one I was looking for. My word? Humility...being teachable.

My brain has a lot of learning to do, and yes, I can finally say, "My brain really does still work!"

Daily struggle to save myself

The last two weeks have been overwhelming. Summer break for the kids is officially over tomorrow. I have been on the edge with my own prospects of going back to school and having to get them ready at the same time. Let me just start by saying how much I love my children. They are good kids. They all pretty much enjoy the whole school experience. They work hard. Haven't had a sluffer in the bunch yet. But, summer is a different story. By the end I have had enough of motherhood. I wonder if I should've had this many children. I wonder if I can handle it. Well, it's too late for those kind of questions. My therapist says I am walking up a mountain, then sitting there wondering why I'm where I'm at, and waiting for someone to save me from my misery. He told me it's all about avoidance. I'm avoiding problem solving, because I'm in such a habit of thinking that avoiding my problems is easier than solving them. When I sit back and think rationally, I know that problem solving is much better and makes me a better mother. Problem solving is much more empowering that sitting at the top of that mountain feeling helpless and out of control. Remember the driver scenario. And, the wilderness analogy.

I was upset that I was doing it again, and my therapist said that "he" hasn't even figured it out yet. It is a lifelong process, and I am glad he is there to remind me about it.

Remember again...Life is a work in progress.
I will deal with this in a healthy way. Empowering myself with the tools I have been given will bring much greater joy than acting out "the helpless little girl" act over and over and over. I am not that little girl anymore.

I may be on top of a great mountain, but I will use the same strength to get back down.

Am I NUTS?

Some days I think I am. But right now, my life is filled with preparations for school. There are nine of us in our family. Eight of us are starting school on the 23rd.

I am returning to school after a 20 yr. break. Of course, it wasn't a break from learning. My classroom has been my home. My teachers have been my dh and my kids. My homework is a 24/7 task of nurturing, physical labor, and teaching.

This time is different. I will be returning to an actual classroom, at an actual college campus. And, I'll be doing this all while I continue my classes of motherhood and marriage.

So, while I may seem nuts, I'm happy. Happy to learn more. Happy to fulfill a dream of getting a college education. Happy to teach my children how important it is to gain a higher education.

Knowledge is power, and I feel the power!

This mother shouldn't go to Boy Scout Camp

My 13 yr. old son has a bully. Right in his own scout troop. This kid gets a kick out of calling my son names and playing tricks on him. I knew this going into the scout camp adventure for him, but we talked to him and hoped he would stand up for himself. He has inherited my sensitivity. Sometimes I feel sad about that. He has more girl friends, than boy friends. But then I think...This is not a disease!! He is a good boy. He is funny. He is nice. He treats others very well. Okay, he's not perfect, but overall, he isn't your macho, never cry, tough guy.

So, family night comes up on Friday at scout camp and my dh and I decide to go up and visit. When I get up there, after the program, he looks so sad. I ask him what is wrong, even though I already know, and he breaks down. This bully laid it on pretty thick with the insults and teasing for the week.

What do you think my reaction was? This is a no brainer! Remember, I am the mother bear, and I will do anything to protect my cub.

Well, I went to the leaders and said something. But, because of my anxiety issues, I broke down like a baby myself. Probably embarrased my son even more than he already was from all the taunting. I do have a bit of compassion for the bully. The leaders said he is mean to everyone. They have talked to him. He continues to do it. My friends say I should talk to the parents, but I have heard that can only make it worse. Besides, the parents were reamed last year from how their boy acted at camp. Argh!

So, I spent the rest of the night wondering if I had done the right thing. Am I babying my son too much? I believe that when a parent sends their child off somewhere, they should be able to know that their child will be protected, and feel safe and loved. I also believe that a child has to learn how to deal with and problem solve issues in the world. That's what all these lessons in life are supposed to teach us.

I don't think this will stop him from participating in the scouting program. He loves his leaders. He loves the program. He loves camping. He will learn good things from these experiences. I have to trust in that. He knows he has a good family support system.

"You recommended it yourself"

My dh works with people who are in a 60-90 day unit which gives recommendations for prison time or rehab to the judge for sentencing. Today, two of the ladies he recommended for prison were on their way back from court as my dh was walking out the door. One of the ladies couldn't even look at him. But the other said to him, "You recommended me for prison time?" Then my dh says back to her, "No, YOU, recommended you for prison time." She didn't say a word after that.

Her history was one of broken probations and little regard for the law. She had been given more than one chance. She blew it.

What my dh said today really impacted me. We do recommend the lives we live. We choose. When Heavenly Father gives us one chance after another, and we choose wrong, we have recommended misery for ourselves.

I recommend that I live my life to the fullest. But, I have to do more than say it. I have to live as if that is what I want.

Trying not to forget

After a week and a half, I finally got to go to water aerobics again. Dr. says no other kind of exercise for a month. I'm just glad to get my body moving again. I really did miss it!

The weekend was filled with work and fun. On Sunday we went to my nephew's homecoming talk and then to my sisters home for dinner. It was great to be with family. I always enjoy the get togethers with them. Now that my great nephew has been born, we have 4 generations at our gatherings. It is so wonderful to see the family grow.

As we were getting in the car to go to my sisters, our car wouldn't start. It was hard not to go into that victim mode I'm so famous for. But, I worked through my discouragement and moved on to have a good day. My husband thinks it's the starter motor. All I know is the car started today. So weird.

Today is a good day, although I'm a bit overwhelmed at the condition of my home since I've been down for the last 10 days. I have to get over the worry. The house will always be here and always need to be tidied. The cleanliness of my home does not define who I am.

"Life is a work in progress!!"

On the right track again

After my counseling visit yesterday, I am on a high. I finally feel like I'm on the right track again. I still have a lot of work to do going down that track, but at least I now feel like I'm pointed in the right direction.

I am working on not depending on what other's think of me to give me value, or confidence. I need to find that within myself. I have had a peek, and I like it. I like feeling good about myself. Within that process, I will become a more efficient, happier, content human being.

Something I heard on the show "Starting Over" was when Allison asked the life coach if whe will ever be cured of this, and the answer was, "Life is a work in progress."

There will always be ups and downs. There will always be something to overcome or work through.

So, I've told my husband whenever I get asking the same questions about ever being normal again, or being rid of this chaos in my mind, etc. etc., to remind me that "Life is a work in progress."

The Hero lies in me

You know the song by Mariah Carey, talking about the hero within us?

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand For you to hold
You can find love If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone Tear them away
Hold on There will be tomorrow
In time You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you



It all goes back to me looking for hero's to save me, while all the time the hero lies in me.

I just have to find that hero in me.

The show "Starting Over"

I tend to back away from reality shows, but the show Starting Over has really peaked my interest. Maybe because I can relate. I just wish it didn't come on at such a bad time for me to watch t.v. But today I watched and I'm glad I did.

This week I see my therapist and my homework was to look for areas in my life where I tend to look for someone to save me. Then I was suppose to problem solve on my own. Basically, stop playing a victim and save myself. I was also suppose to let my adult self nurture my child self. I missed nurturing when I was a child. Sometimes I turn into that little child and want to be nurtured. But, I am an adult now and need to handle things as an adult. I can nurture my inner self. Man, this has been hard!!

Today's show with Allison really hit me hard, because I have been playing the "victim" role for so many years of my life. I loved the exercise with victim labeling. Then throwing them into the ocean. That was powerful. I am way too much like Allison. When I look at her and her life, I feel like I'm looking into a mirror.

So, I am going to write down my victim labels so that I will be accountable for them.

1. Terminally ill, dying, dead mother
2. No childhood, had to grow up too fast
3. Overweight
4. Not good enough
5. Not smart enough
6. High expectations
7. Not worthy of something better
8. Not financially smart

I really liked what it all boils down to: "I worry too much about what others think" I question my own importance in the world. I rely to much on the approval of others.

Way too many excuses holding me back from who I really am and who I can become. I need to believe this! I NEED TO!!

Today's show was amazing. Now I need to continue to process all this info.

What do you get when you're 41 yrs. old and you play tag with a bunch of 12-18 yr. old kids?

You get fun, satisfaction, and joy over the fact that as an older woman, you can still have fun. Then, as you're running off the field, you feel a pop in your leg and you can no longer walk.

Pain, ice and a dr. visit revealed I had torn my calve muscle. Great! 3-4 days bedrest and 3-4 weeks of complete healing. This is the part of the rollercoaster that isn't so much fun. I've already left my husband alone to care for our family of 7 kids while I went off to Youth conference for 2 days, and then Girls Camp for 4 days. Now, his homemaking and childcare skills are really being tested. I don't know how many times I've already said "I'm sorry" to him in the last 4 days.

But, that is the beauty of marriage. When one suffers, the other is there to compensate. I wouldn't choose any other way.

I love him!

How fast I forget

I watched my friends 2 yo little boy today, and it felt like a whole new experience. My baby is 5 yo now and how quickly time goes by. I have forgotten. Forgotten how often a diaper needs to be changed. Forgotten how fast they get into things. Forgotten how much more you have to watch a toddler than you do a 5 yo. Forgotten about "naptime", bottles, and kids putting stuff into their mouths.

I am moving on to a new phase in life. No more babies, no more bottles, no more carseats, and no more diapers. I have to admit that it is bittersweet. I love having more freedom, yet I love cute little babies, little fingers, little toes, snuggles with a bottle, and naps.

Here I am the luckiest mom in the world, yet I get to hear at least a few times daily how much my children dislike me. Babies don't do that. I get to hear my cute little boy call his 19 yo sister a "butthead". Babies don't do that. I get to watch angelic children turn into hideous monsters. Babies don't do that.

So as I move into this new phase, I have to learn the new tricks of the new trade....My children help eachother, they nurture eachother, they laugh together, they play together. New joys to be had, new love to be shared.

Being a mother to teenagers and little children can be tough. It's different than being a mother to babies. But, there is always good and bad to both. So I seek new knowledge, and new hope that I will continue to be the mother that my children desire and will someday say to me, "Thank you for all you did for us growing up, we love you."

I love my kids so much! They are my greatest challenges, yet my greatest joys in life.

Knowledge is power

April 28, 1842
Nauvoo, Illinois
Joseph Smith

"We are all responsible to God
for the manner we improve the light and wisdom
given by our Lord to enable us to save ourselves."

Going to counseling has been one of the best educations I have received to date. Marriage and motherhood would be my other two. I feel like I should have a diploma for all the hard work I have done. But I have something better than a diploma...the improvement in my life. It is living proof that I have gained an important education. Who does not want to better themselves? Who does not want to improve their circumstance mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually?

5 yrs. ago I was miserable. I didn't want improvement, I wanted to die. I had all the good that life can offer, yet I felt nothing. Nothing but dread, misery, unhappiness. However you put it, I had hit rock bottom. Life brought no joy. I gave up trying to find it.

Heavenly Father had a better plan for me. I knew it. He did not forsake me. I was led to a kind and loving counselor who got me started on the path to LIFE. I had been blessed with a husband who loved me and stuck by me no matter how miserable I was. And believe me, I shared plenty of miserable with him.

So why was I given another chance at life? Because I prayed. Quite fervently in fact. I had lost my fervor for life, but I had one last plea left in me and I used it. I am told that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle. This life experience is proof of that. I would've preferred not to hit rock bottom, but my ascent to the top was a lesson I wouldn't pass up for all the happiness in the world.

Can gratitude change our lives?

One of things that has most affected my life is playing the victim role. I've spent way too much time in the "Life is not fair" mode. Most of my life in fact. Well, since seeking counseling, I have learned a new way of thinking. A way of thinking that tells me life is fair, life is good, I am NOT a victim.

Reminds me of the analogy of driving the car to a certain destination. Lets say I want to go to Salt Lake City, but I miss the exit and end up in Bountiful. I could choose to gripe, complain, and blame many things for my circumstance. But...if I would just take the time to look down and see whose hands are on the steering wheel then I could realize that I am the driver. My hands are on the steering wheel. I can turn around and go back and still get to Salt Lake, or I could go into Bountiful and see all the many great things to see there. It's my choice. My decision.

So it is with gratitude. I can choose to look at all the things I live without, or I can wake up every day and give thanks to my Father in Heaven for all he has given me. I am truly blessed. I have seen more happiness, more contentment, and more peace with this attitude.

I do still find myself thinking "why me?" every now and then. You can't change 40 yrs of thinking one way in one day. It takes time, but it's worth it. I am a much better person this way. I find myself enjoying many more things in life with gratitude as my friend. I'm learning to ask myself "What can I do about it?" instead of "Why me?" I have been a much more productive person this way. A much better wife, mother, and friend.

Choose to Love...rather than hate.
Choose to laugh...rather than cry.
Choose to create...rather than destroy.
Choose to persevere...rather than quit.
Choose to praise...rather than gossip.
Choose to heal...rather than wound.
Choose to give...rather than steal.
Choose to act...rather than procrastinate.
Choose to pray...rather than curse.
Choose to live ...rather than die.
Og Mandino

"Choose the light of the Lord.
Choose to seek knowledge.
Choose the light of love in your life.
Choose to live by the light of the Spirit."
Joseph B Wirthlin

The wilderness

How would I react if I was in the wilderness alone? Would I fight to survive? Or, would I choose to give up and die? Would I wine and complain? Or, would I problem solve? These are questions all of us must ask ourselves. We must learn to save ourselves.

If we sit around waiting for someone else to save us, make us happy, make life perfect, or fix us, then we are sadly going to be disappointed. We must be teachable, so then we can be taught. We must allow ourselves to learn so we can empower ourselves against the lone and dreary wilderness. Of course I am talking figuratively. The world can be a lone and dreary place. I know, because I live with 8 other people and I can still feel very alone. I am loved and I can still feel alone.

I have great reason why I need to learn how to survive. Because it's worth it! Too many great lessons to be learned, too many people to love, and too much love yet to be shared with me. I have all these things and want to live and have passion for life. This is what a loving Heavenly Father has intended for all of us.

I have been waiting too long for someone to rescue me from my sadness, rescue me from all the wrongs done to me in my life, rescue me from not feeling good enough as a human being. A very wise person has told me that no one will rescue me. Real life is not hollywood. There is no knight in shining armor on a white horse.

I need to be the one to find within myself the strength and the happiness that does exist. I will learn this!

7 great kids

I am blessed!

This was taken almost 2 yrs. ago.

They've already changed so much!

What my children have taught me.

They have taught me patience, unconditional love, forgiveness, flexibility, and how to have fun. I had a very serious childhood. My mother had breast cancer when I was 5. She was then diagnosed with bone cancer when I was around the age of 10. Given 6 months to live. She lived with the effects of this cancer until I was 27, when she passed on due to complications of surgery on her bowel, which they said were complications due to fighting the cancer for so many years. Her body would not heal. It was plain worn out.

My childhood consisted of wondering how long she would be around. I had to grow up pretty fast. I think I went from being 10 to adulthood right then and there. I hated my teenage yrs. Too much stress. Can the fun that was missed, be made up? I'm working on that!

I love the movie "Parenthood"

Up, down, up, down
Oh, what a ride!

It was just interesting to me,
that a ride could make me so,
so frightened, so scared, so sick,
so excited and so thrilled all together.

Some didn't like it,
they went on the Merry-go-round.
That just goes around...nothing.
I like the rollercoaster.
You get more out of it.

The rollercoaster of life has taken on a new meaning to me in the last 8 yrs. I married a man, 20 yrs. ago, who is so easy going. Things slide like water off a ducks back for him. I was totally opposite. Serious, perfectionist, absolutely NOT flexible. I have learned so much from this wonderful man. We have worked so beautifully together, because we have taught eachother so much. I have tightened him up and he has loosened me up. I laugh now. I love like I've never allowed myself to love before. The love of my life has taught me what it means to have passion for life.